Think Kit Day 20 - My 2012 VIP

It's sad to think of the number of people who's strongest impact happened after they left this earth...Vincent van Gogh, Emily Dickenson, Edger Allen Poe, Tupac. It took their deaths for many people to realize the difference they made in life.

I'm sad to admit that this is also the case for a woman by the name of Louise Adams Dunckel...or as I liked to call her, Gramma.

My Gramma was a unique combination of southern bell and bombshell vixen. Beginning in the seventh grade and up until she left us, she was a platinum blonde and was sure to inform all females who came into contact with her of the benefits of being one. Her red lipstick was never far away, and like any classy lady, she was sure to reapply several times a day. One of her favorite phases was "oh, heavens yes!" and once in reference to a boy I was acquainted with, she told me that "he was the kind of boy who she'd let put his shoes under her bed."

My Gramma never forgot your birthday and always sent a card. In later years, these were homemade cards that she printed on the computer so she could personalize them to each family member and friend she was sending it to. She loved Christmas and always started shopping for the following Christmas shortly after it was celebrated. In looking around my apartment, her creative sense of gift-giving can be seen everywhere, from the 'Noelle's Kitchen' crock that holds the ladles and spatulas that I never use, to Babe, a ceramic pig that sits close to my entry and protects me from intruders.

On June 3, in the early hours of the morning, my Gramma passed away. Unexpectedly. At her funeral, the church was packed, and virtually every person in attendance donned her favorite color - RED. Gramma liked red. Red, red, red. It was apparent the number of lives she touched in her life, but I had idea the impact she would have in death. I still miss her terribly and am fearful that I will not make it through Christmas without shedding buckets of tears. Losing her has changed the entire dynamic of my family, almost as if she was glue holding us all together.

I regret so much in terms of my relationship with this woman. I regret that I didn't call her as often as I should have. I regret that mocking manner I used when describing her to my friends. I regret that I took her being there for granted. Most of all, I regret that I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before she left us.

I love you Gramma. I always have and I always will. I miss you and I wish you were still here. I wish you could fix us.


This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: Who made a difference for you this year?

Think Kit Day 11 - Measurement

I try not to think about how much time I spend doing anything in particular. Mostly because I believe I'd start to second guess my actions or the amount of time I spend obsessing on any one thing. However, I wanted to examine how I would like to spend my time (ideally) in 2013. Visiting friends, working, treating myself (as in #treatyoself). I came up with the following chart and am hoping I can stay close to this matrix of responsibility next year.

Clearly, my largest priority will be work. It's where I'll spend the majority of time and since its affords me the ability to do pretty much everything else on the list, is what will have the majority of my attention. A close second will be the Indiana Junior Chamber. Serving as State President, I plan to do a lot of traveling, connecting with members throughout Indiana and motivating them to make their chapters impactful in their communities.

Following those two major focuses, comes my health. I have big plans for myself in 2013, and if all goes according to plan there will be some MAJOR changes in terms of my health. And by major, I mean AWESOME. Devotion to friends and family are relatively the same, however since my family isn't local, I will have more opportunities to spend time with friends and will just have to make the time I do have with my family count.

The last three areas go hand-in-hand. Personal growth will include leadership trainings, self- discoveries, reading books that enrich my life, anything that will be solely focused on making my life better. Treating myself can be anything from getting a pedicure, to shopping and dining out. The last aspect, and probably one that I currently spend WAY too much time on, is leisure. This includes watching TV, facebooking, etc. I anticipate that with everything else going on, I probably won't have too much time for these activities and will need to force myself not to procrastinate, thus filling my time with these activities.

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: Draw a pie chart or Venn diagram of your year, possible activities: eating, drinking, sleeping, working, playing.

Think Kit Day 9 - This is a secret.

When I have a bad day, when I need to just take a break from everything, when I want to unwind - there's one thing I do. It helps me clear my head, it helps me rejuvenate...it alleviates my stress. I'm almost embarrassed to be sharing it with the world, but at the same time, I'm sure no one who knows me will be surprised to find out what it is.

Underwear dancing. Yes, you read that right. Underwear. Dancing. Step one - I close my blinds. Trust me, no one wants to see what is about to take place. Step two, I strip down to a tank top and undies. I'm not sure why, I think I just feel like clothing is too constrictive for what I'm about to do. Plus, it kind of makes me feel sexier. I usually also turn the lights down low, just in case the blinds fail me.

Then...I let go. I dance for however long it takes me to feel better...10 minutes, 20, sometimes I've danced for 50 minutes straight. It helps me clear my head and completely shut my brain down. I don't allow myself to worry about finances or upcoming deadlines, I just focus on the music and letting myself go. That's the important part of underwear dancing...letting go. Back in college when I was a regular in the East Lansing bar scene, I had to make sure I was mindful of my dancing...it had to be sexy...booty shaking, shoulder swaying, typical come hither moves. But this kind of dancing is unrestricted. I just bounce or jump or head bang...whatever comes to me through the music. Its definitely not a sight I'd want anyone else to see. 

It's me time. It's one favorite things to do and if you've never done it before, I highly recommend. It's freeing. Go ahead, I promise not to watch.


This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: What did you do this year when things got hectic? How did you unwind?

Think Kit Day 7 - life visions

I'm currently in Tennessee attending the US Jaycees State President's retreat. We're learning skills to serve our chapters in 2013.

Earlier we were instructed to write our name and two goals in this board along with all the excuses keeping us from achieving them on the back. Tomorrow we will bust through the boards and our excuses. I can't wait.

This is why I want to do with my life next year. Bust through my excuses.

I'll be sure to post photos of the busted board.

Think Kit Day 6 - #loveindy

I'm a HUGE advocate for the City of Indianapolis. I think its the best place to live in the whole, wide world. Mind you, I've only lived in about 3 other places, but in comparison to those, Indy takes the cake!

Part of my mission to move downtown included becoming more apart of this awesome city and less of a consumer of it. Living on the northside, I didn't feel like I really knew the city as well as I could, and I didn't benefit from it. I mean, sure, I give back to it...through community service projects and purchases, but I didn't belong to it. Moving to Herron Morton Place helped me attune myself to the localized aspects of Indianapolis, and my goal in 2013 is patronize those establishments more.

Back in May, JCI Indianapolis held an awesome event, Loving the Circle City. This event attracted more than 100 Indianapolisians (that's a thing, right?) who seriously heart Indy and are committed to showing others what a great place it is to live. We hope to make this event annual and continue to grow the love, finding ways to spotlight our city to our peers, the state, and the nation.

So, in summary, in 2013 I want be more involved in my community by immersing myself in it. Shopping local, promoting and patronizing local establishments and telling EVERYONE how much I love my city!

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: How do you want to get involved in your community this year?

Think Kit Day 5 - I'd like to use a lifeline

I used to think I would like to be a journalist...it seemed like so much fun to be in a fast-paced environment breaking stories and being the person "in the know". This all sounded great and dandy until JRN 200 my sophomore year of college. I had to write stories that included interviews. I had to bother people, take time away from whatever they were doing, to ask questions that may or may not even be interesting to a general audience. And most of the time, to get these interviews, I had call people...on the phone. I absolutely despise talking on the phone. 

That being said, I'm not doing today's Think Kit assignment because it involves interviewing other people. Instead, I'm using a Lifeline, and choosing a different topic that resonated more with me and my reflection process through this project. Plus, I thought listing my 10 favorite things from 2012 sounded like a LOT of fun!

Top 10 Favorite Things from 2012

1. Noodles and Co. - Until I moved downtown, I'd never really tried Noodles and Co, mainly because as a person with Celiac Disease, anything with noodles in the title doesn't really sound like my sort of eatery. However, they offer gluten free noodles, and several options that will not make me feel icky. Score!

2. Angry Orchard Cider - I cannot drink beer [see reference in favorite thing 1], therefore I am always searching for a delicious alcoholic beverage that I can enjoy with my friends. I've never been much of a liquor drinker, so cider has always been a great option. This year I was introduced to Angry Orchard, which isn't as sweet as Woodchuck, and isn't as dry as Strong Bow. It's a perfect medium.

3. Smart Girls at the Party - This is an awesome group of woman who are encouraging young girls to be themselves, not conform to what society says is right or wrong, and just be themselves. I think its great in the world of Kim Kardashians and Britney Spears to have positive roles models that all females, young and old, can look up to. It also helps that my favorite actress Amy Poehler is a main stake in this group of women.

4. Dress Barn - I know what you're thinking...old lady clothes. However, I happened to find myself in a Dress Barn over the summer on an off chance, and they've really retooled their style. When you're a plus sized cutie, it can be difficult to find affordable, stylish clothing that is age appropriate. Thankfully, Dress Barn fits the bill.

5. New Day Meadery - I planned a JCI event at New Day this summer, not knowing what an amazing establishment it was at the time. It's now become one of my favorite places to hang out with friends, take in the local Indy scenes, and enjoy some delicious Honey wine. YUM!

6. Replacing Milk with Soy - I've started ordering soy drinks from Starbucks as opposed to nonfat drinks. I find that I don't react to them the way I can milk drinks, and they make the beverage more flavorful than if using nonfat milk.

7. Instagram - I know. I'm a conformist. I've bought into the "everyone can be a photog with this iphone app" mantra. I'm okay with it. It makes my pictures look better, it makes me feel artsy, and choosing filters is just plain ol' fun!

8. Zumba - I find zumba to be a fantastic workout! I enjoy working out as it is, but adding the dancing and whooping just makes it that much better. I'm far from good at it, but just dancing around and working up a sweat makes me happy.

9. Blogging - I'm not new to blogging...in fact, back in the days of Myspace, I had a relatively well-followed blog. But as I've gotten older I've found that my stories aren't as funny, and I'm just too busy to sit down and write my thoughts for others to read. But this year I've really gotten back into blogging. This project is helping me make it a priority, and I'd love for the habit to stick into 2013.

10. The Walking Dead - OH MAN. I seriously heart this show. When I started watching the first episode, I was completely grossed out and had to stop myself from turning it off several times. But there there was a cliff hanger and I HAD to find out how it was resolved and the next thing I knew it was four hours later and  I was too scared to leave my apartment. I've become totally desensitized to the zombies and the graphic nature of the show. I know that the writing isn't very good but I frankly do not care. It is an addictive show and I cannot get enough of it.

Think Kit Day 4 - Ripened with Wisdom

I spent the majority of this past year feeling very mediocre. Like I was just going through the motions. I woke up in the morning, I went to my job, I did my job adequately, and I came home. It was fine. I wasn't miserable, per say, but I definitely was not happy. I didn't care about my work, I didn't feel like I was serving a purpose, I wasn't engaged.

To top it all off, my company seemed to be a sinking ship. Three major layoffs in a little over a year, people leaving and their positions not being replaced, constant talk from the higher ups about slashing budgets and scrutinizing every penny spent. While this didn't seem to be affecting me personally, it didn't give me a whole lot of confidence in my future there...or a future of the business at all.

Then in July, while talking to a fellow JCI member, he mentioned that his office was hiring a newly created position. We spoke little about the position and what the organization did, and the following day I emailed and asked for a job description.

When I looked at what the position entailed, I was nervous. I'd never professionally done event planning...my background is in marketing and communication, this job didn't call for that at all. It was program management. Sure, I had experience doing that, but...it wasn't....what if I couldn't....I don't know...

I didn't feel confident about applying for the job. Even though it sounded like something I would love to do, it wasn't exactly my background and I felt positive that I wasn't qualified in the least to do it. Additionally, in our conversation about the position, he'd mentioned the salary to me - $9K more than what I was currently making. How could I even justify that I was capable of receiving a pay increase of that magnitude? 

After sharing the position description with some family and close friends and receiving their blessings that I could, in fact, do this job, I sent my resume. I wasn't sure anything would even come of it. But I took the chance. That turned out to be the wisest decision I made in 2012. I got the job. I absolutely love it. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I no longer feel mediocre or that I do not have a purpose. I feel complete. 

Moreover, I'm so excited to see what 2013 will bring. Surely new challenges as I grow comfortable in the position. New tests of my leadership ability. More confidence in myself. More engagement in my organization. The opportunities seem endless.


This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: What is the wisest decision you made this year?

Think Kit Day 3 - Meet Me in...Indy.

So back in August, while vacationing in California, I went to visit a physic. Now, this was just a fun activity and I didn't seriously put any weight into the things she told me...until they started coming true. For example, she informed me that I would have a new job by October. Now, I'd been looking for a new job for quite sometime, and had already applied for a few positions, including the one I currently have, but I thought it seemed unlikely that I'd have a new job that quickly. Low and behold, I was offered a position on September 26th. The second thing she mentioned was that I'd be moving into a two bedroom apartment. Now that was just silly. Why would I need two bedrooms? And, once again, by chance I found an amazing apartment that I LOVE and could afford and it is two bedrooms. Creepy, right?

The third thing she told me is the one thing that I actually hope does come true. She informed me that I'd meet the love of my life in either six days, six weeks, or six months. Now, clearly, the first two options have passed, but the third, six months, will happen in February. If that was to happen, I'd be elated.

Its not a secret to anyone who knows me that I hate being single. It's not because I need someone to do for me or take care of me, its because I want someone to be crazy about me. I want someone who thinks I'm amazing. And, I want someone I can take care of. I am really hopeful that I will meet this person in 2013. I've spent a lot of time denying that I want it, or pretending that I don't care if it happens or not, and I realize that's totally a farce  There is no reason why I don't deserve to be happy and make someone else happy. So, I'm putting it out there in the universe....I'm ready. I want to meet my forever person.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm banking on this happening in February like the physic said. In fact, considering some of the plans I have for myself next year, that'd be kind of inconvenient  However, I'd love for it to happen at some point in the next 365 days. 


This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: If you could meet someone new in 2013, who would it be? Or would you rather spend more time with someone you already know?"

Think Kit Day 2 - Unplugged

So, I missed yesterday's prompt because, well, I was unplugged...I woke up yesterday with a twinge of a headache which I attributed to the bottle of Honey Mead from New Day Meadery I'd drank the night before (so yummy).  But as the day evolved, the small headache, combined with a lack of caffeine (cross your fingers I get that Keurig for Christmas), transformed  into a full on migraine. 

So needless to say, I spent the majority of the day in the silence and darkness of my bedroom. I slept mostly, thankfully. What saddens me most is that I didn't get to do any of the unplugged things that I was planning to do - catch up on reading the memoir I just started or continue to practice my knitting. 

Sometimes I think our bodies just tell us that they need a break. They need time to be dormant and recover from our lives. I hope my body feels that I am fully recovered and will not revolt against me again, because this month is going to be CRAY CRAY and I am ready for it!!

In 2013 its going to become increasingly difficult to unplug. The requirements of my job, the duties I will have with the United States Junior Chamber - it will all create a lifestyle where I have to be connected to people - physically and digitally - a lot. However, I am going to commit to taking at least one day a month to completely unplug for 12 hours. Whether its a Sunday where I turn off the phone and hide the computer, or a weekend in a different part of the state, visiting with members and being completely engaged in my surroundings and NOT looking at Facebook and Twitter. At least one day a month I will force myself to unplug from my devices and spend time engaging in other ways.


This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: "Unplug for an hour, a half day, or a whole day. Choose a time that feels a little uncomfortable. How did you feel? What did you do? Reflect on your experience  How much did you unplug this year? How does this experience make you feel about unplugging in the coming year?"

Think Kit Day 1

Here we go!! Beginning today I'll be taking one month to reflect on 2012 and visualize 2013 through SmallBox's Think Kit! This year has been a roller coaster for me and I'm excited about the opportunity to celebrate it a little before ringing in 13 (and my 32nd year of life).

Today's mission: Choose a photo that encapsulates my year. Honestly, this was pretty easy. As I looked through my photos, one jumped out as the obvious selection. Not because of the subject matter (which, in my personal opinion, is breathtaking ;) ), but ore because of what it represents.

This is me [DUH]. This photo was taken on October 5, 2012. It was taken on the last day of my old job. The last day ever at a place that sucking the happiness and joy right out of me. Since leaving that place, I've been uplifted. My new job is the perfect place for me to be. My happiness has increased tenfold in the last two months. You can seen just how happy I am in this photo to be leaving. That can't even match how I feel right this minute, thinking about how thankful I am for where I am now and what I'm doing.

Sure, there were 10 months that happened before this photo was taken, and I'm sure there are plenty of other significant things that happened in that time, but this is the one that perfectly encapsulates my year.

It was my turning point.

I have a brand new life

Oh, hey! Long time, no post. Sorry bout that. It's just that things have been a little crazy for me the last few months. But crazy in the best possible way.

First of all, I moved in October. I'm now a downtown dweller. It's a small two bedroom apartment in the Herron-Morton Place neighborhood. To say that I love my new place would be an understatement. It's full of light and charm and coziness. Check it out for yourself!

Living room and all the windows

Cute little kitchen, complete with stainless steel counter

 About a week after moving into this fantastic space, another HUGE change too place. I started a new job with the Indiana Small Business Development Center. I'm the new Program Coordinator. I'll be working with our awards recognition programs and am developing a new program that works with college students interested in starting their own business. It's an exciting program and I'm thrilled to have a hand in building something from the ground up.

The best part of this new gig happens to be the people I work with. We're a small staff of four and its a work culture that I've never experienced before. We openly brainstorm all the time, joke around, and hang out socially outside of work. We work hard and we play hard. I've never felt this connected to coworkers in my life or felt closer to people in such a short amount of time. I have a new family and they're amazing.

So, that's what's up with me! I can't remember a time when I was happier than I am right now. It's like everything is falling into place and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's the best feeling in the world.

I promise not to wait so long before updating this blog again. In fact, I just signed on to participate in the SmallBox Think Kit. I'll be posting daily blogs, reflecting on 2012 and how its impacted my life (which as you can see above, its has). You should consider participating too! The more, the merrier!

The Burning Question: Letting Go of the Past

Happy Tuesday! I hope everyone is enjoying the cooler weather and all the goodness it brings with it [football]. I've been busy packing and decluttering and preparing for my decent downtown. I cannot wait!

Today I decided to answer another burning question! Today's question is in regards to starting fresh with a clean slate, something I am hoping to be doing (in the way of a new job) very, very soon. In Danielle's original post she asks what what would you be more of if you let go of your past.

Honestly, this is probably the easiest question I've ever been asked. I'd be more confident. I'd be more sure of myself, my actions, my convictions. I wouldn't let people [men] boss me around. I wouldn't avoid confrontation, or shy away from difficult situations. I'd worry less what other people thought of me and let more of my personality shine.

I'd be more of a visionary.

I'd be more of a leader.

I'd be more comfortable in my own skin.

I'd pursue my dreams of being a motivation speaker or a corporate trainer. I'd believe that I had love to give and words of wisdom that were worth being heard.

If I let go of my past and my failures and my scorns, I'd be fantasticly happy and content with my life.

So, what's stopping me? Why am not confident? Why have I let the world scare me away from living my dreams?

The 2 a.m. call

I still remember that night. My cell phone was on the window sill above my bed and I just happened to wake up when the text message sound dinged...

'Are you awake?'

It was Regina. Of course I wasn't, but responded with 'yes, what's up?' Then she called. Said she woke up with pains in her chest. It felt tight. She couldn't catch her breath. She was scared. I told her to get dressed and I'd be there in 10 minutes to take her to the ER. We were there all night. It turns out she was having a panic attack due to stress. At one point during our wait, I asked her what she would have done if I hadn't texted her back and she said, 'I knew you would.'

So my new self-love guru/inspirational hero/woman almighty/girl crush (okay, that might be a little much) Danielle LaPorte recently posed this question: who can you call at 2 a.m.? Who's the person (or people) that you can depend on to be there when the rest of the world is sleeping? For me, it's Regina, hands down. There are others who would be there for me too, but somehow I wouldn't feel guilty about inconveniencing her with my 2 a.m. crisis, however irrational it might be, and trust me, it probably would be.

Danielle posed a series of other questions of 'who would do...'. It's an interesting concept and I really thought about it for awhile. These are my lifelines - my list of who's.

1. Who’s the first person you’d call if you landed the job, won the award, found out you were preggers, got the news that you qualified? - This one is easy. My sister. She is my key supporter and the person I tell absolutely everything to.

2. Who would you bring if you got five front row seats to see your favourite rock star? - Andrea, Carrie, Lauren, Lydia. These are my go-to girls. We do stuff like this.

3. Who’s your “In Case of Emergency” contact? - Well according to my HR file, it's Katie. Seriously. I needed a 'local' contact in case I didn't show up to work for a few days and they needed someone to track me down. Typically my dad is my emergency contact, but he's not local and Katie offered. She's good people.

4. Who could write your obituary? - Okay, this is just awful to think about. I wouldn't want to assign someone to this task. However, if I had to, it would be Kevin. He's known me longer than anyone else and would be able to capture my essence in a manner that would make me sound like Mother Theresa or Marylin Monroe. He would find the perfect way to tell my truths but omit my flaws.

5. Who knows how you take your coffee or could order for you at a restaurant? - Mike would be the only person I would trust with this task. Maybe not the coffee part, but definitely ordering for me. He's always suggesting food that I'll love and informing me of what I'd like or wouldn't like...in food, movies, music...he gets me better than anyone else.

6. Who’ll drive you there—and back? - While I'm not totally sure where 'there' is, I'd have to say Andrea. She's the person who is always calm and even keeled, so I know if I was stressed or upset, she'd be my go to for serenity and rational thinking.

7. Who’s seen you do the Ugly Cry? - Who hasn't? Haha. Jen E. She has seen me at my best and absolute worst. She knows my deep dark secrets and loves me still.

8. Where can you show up without calling? - If we lived in the same time zone, it would be Meredith. I know I could drop in on her anytime and we could make a memory.

Looking at this list, its an eclectic group of people. People who have no connection to one another. People I'd love to get in a room together because I know they would have a sensational time laughing and sharing stories at my expense. And I know that the leader of the stories and discussions and laughter would be Regina. She's my 2 a.m. call.

Gluten Free for One

As a 31-year-old single female living with Celiac Disease, my insight on living, cooking, and shopping is different of that than most blogs I read about gluten free cooking. I’m not feeding a family; I’m not a stay-at-home mom with multiple hours to devote to cooking/baking each day, and I live on a very tight budget. I can’t keep my one-bedroom apartment’s kitchen stocked with all the necessary flours and additives to create a delicious gluten free entrée. I tried one time, every single thing expired before I used it all.

I also have a different take on this whole “celiac” situation. As most people living with the autoimmune disease are thin from years of not absorbing nutrients, I am not. I am 80 lbs overweight and am working towards living a healthier and fitter lifestyle. This means trying to adapt recipes to be low-fat or healthier. It’s not easy. I eat a lot of chicken. As much as I would love to make a crustless pumpkin cheesecake when I get home from work, I know it’s not a healthy decision, nor is it in my best interest to keep that kind of food in my house. And since it’s just me, I don’t have to.

As I near my fifth gluten freeversary in a few months, I still struggle with this life style. Determining what I can and cannot eat. Being social and gluten free. Dating and being gluten free. Cooking for one, gluten free. But more than that, I struggle with fighting my own demons as they relate to food and gluten. It is about continuously reminding myself that celebrating a co-worker’s birthday by having a donut will send me into a week-long episode of tummy unpleasantness. It’s also about combating the mindset of “well, I already glutenated, why stop now?”

The worst part, is I don't know when these mindsets will stop. This is my life. It's not going to change. I need to learn to deal with it. I just want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to have a better understanding of what I eat and why I can or cannot eat it and make decisions that will better my health. Why is that so difficult?

 

 

Daily Affirmations...with Noley

Yes, we have come to a point on this blog where I tell you that I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggoneit, people like me.

Okay, not really. But I do have some daily affirmations to share.

While in California my friend and I decided it would be a fun adventure to go see a physic. We wanted to learn about our past lives or hear predictions for our futures, anything that may spiritually enlighten us. So, we did what anyone else would do to find a physic in 2012...we looked them up on Yelp. This led us to Mystic Journey Bookstore.

Originally, we wanted to have our readings together, so we could help remind each other of what the physic told us later on. However, upon arrival, the woman who did Meredith's reading informed us that she had to go alone because having both our energies in the room at the same time would alter the accuracy of the reading. So she chose Kat and I ended up having a reading with Antigone (which I'm positive is her real name).

I won't go into the details of Antigone's reading because those are personal, plus I don't really put a lot of weight into her predictions. I just did it for fun. However, something she did provide me with, which I was surprised, were notes with affirmations on them that I'm supposed to keep close to me and read every single day. I have definitely kept them close, in fact, they have not left my purse since the day of the reading, however, reading them has not yet made it into my daily routine. Therefore, I've decided to post them here, a place I can see them more, and others can see and perhaps hold me accountable for remembering them when I have a bad day. Additionally, I've decided to include my interpretation of each one.

Noelle's Affirmations
1. I now receive my beloved, my Divine right partner ordained for me by God. I think this is supposed to remind me that there is in fact one person out there for me and I just need to be open to finding them and not let the bitterness I feel take over my heart.

2. My income is constantly increasing and I prosper wherever I turn. She spoke a lot about my desire for money. Which I felt was inaccurate. However, in hindsight, I'm seeing this as a reminder to manage my money and allow myself to begin to think about future events that would require me to be in a better financial place.

3. I love my life and am worthy to receive all goodness and joy forever. The interesting thing about this affirmation is that she was writing while talking and I wasn't really paying attention to the notes she was making and just listening to her. Later on in the reading I made a comment about often not thinking I'm worthy enough or good enough for certain things and she pointed out that she'd already written it down but had not said it out loud.

4. I am powerful. It is safe to be me and speak my truth. Again, this is not one she shared as she was writing, but I think speaks a lot to my lack of confidence. It's important to remind myself that I need to stick up for myself and that it's okay to share my feelings with others...they're valid and just as important as anyone elses.

5. Everywhere I go, I am loved and respected by all. She spoke a lot about how being viewed positively by others is important to me. Which is true. She said that I am the type of person who is validated by praise from others and I need to remember that people think that even if they do not always say it. Man ,this chick got me.

6. I release the desperate need for love, and instead, allow it to find me in the perfect time-space sequence. This is pretty self-explanatory. But the free, you-get-what-you-pay-for online dating site, the meeting of men who aren't looking for anything more than "some fun", my feelings of loneliness and thinking that I'm always going to be alone - all things I needed to stop doing because it was making me desperate and not really like myself too much. I've since canceled my account and feel much better about where I am in the dating realm.

There they are. Daily affirmations. Small reminders to stay true to myself. Now whether these are things she could read about me because she has powers, or if its something I clearly show through my verbal and nonverbal communication, I'm not sure. And honestly, I don't care. Whether she was the real deal or whether I just want to believe she was, I feel better after talking to her. I feel more confident in my future and am taking steps to better it. Applying for jobs I may not have applied for before, deleting the dating profile and letting love find me, being more true to myself and my thoughts. In my opinion, the 30 minutes I spent with her was worth the money because it gave me confidence. It gave me hope.

Man, I suck...and that's okay.

So, if you notice to the right of your screen...no, your other right, I've added a badge called "The Burning Question Series". This is from a blog by Danielle LaPorte, aka the woman I'm currently obsessed with. I'm also currently reading her book, The Fire Starter Sessions, and am convinced its going to change the way I think about my life, help me discover my next career, and lead me to bountiful bliss.

I've decided to throw some of the burning questions into a few of my posts to help me think through my feelings and maybe help me focus on how to change the course of my life. The first burning question that I'm going to answer is What do you suck at? According to my hero Danielle, when you admit your shortcomings, you give yourself permission to spend your energy on the things you're great at. So, in no particular order, here are the things I suck at:

Saying no. To anyone. Coworkers, friends, potential boyfriends. I've always been terrible at saying no. I'm inherently a people pleaser and I hate that if I say no to something, I'm potentially letting them down.

I also really suck at loving myself. This comes as no surprise to anyone, I'm sure. I mean, look at what topic I picked for my first burning questions post...one where I could spend time pointing out my flaws and ripping on myself. In fact, if I ever got a wrist tattoo, I'd get the word love with a heart, as a constant reminder to love myself. Even the thought of that makes me crazy, because it seems like it should be something you automatically do, but its so difficult for me.

I'm really awful at managing money. In fact, when I know I'm getting close to draining my bank account, I purposely avoid looking at it to see how little is in there. This is something I've had to force myself to start doing, as to not overdraw my account on a bi-weekly basis. In general, I like to avoid all things (and discussions) money-related.

I really hope that someday soon I marry a master chef, because I'm terrible at cooking. It's not that I am really all that bad at it, I just hate doing it. Taking the time to prepare the food, and cook it, and whatnot...blah. I'd live on cereal my whole life if I could. A meal in 30 seconds.

Calling people. I'm so bad at calling people. In general, I hate talking on the phone. I hate the awkwardness of starting a conversation and the even more awkward ending of the conversation. In the almost three months (wow, has it been that long???) since my grandmother has passed, I've really been beating myself up (see point 2) for not calling her more often. She was so great to talk to on the phone and she always called and chatted with people on a daily basis. I feel terrible that I didn't call more while she was at the rehab center to check on her.

Ah. I feel better all ready. I've admitted the things I suck at. Its really not that bad. There's nothing life threatening on that last, or even anything I couldn't get better at if I practiced. Now that I've freed my mind of the negative feelings, I can focus on the things that I opposite of suck at and cultivate those talents.

Feel free to share anything you suck at. It really is a refreshing feeling. We can have group therapy.

California Adventure

I know its been a minute since my last post when I proclaimed that I was choosing my own adventure, but hey, changing the course of your life takes times. Plus, sometimes life itself gets in the way and you have to put one adventure on hold to focus on another. And boy, have I been having adventures.

Two weeks ago I traveled to sunny California (Orange County) to stand up next to one of the most beautiful and amazing women I've ever known as she wed an equally amazing man. The wedding was nothing short of perfect, which is exactly what I expected.



The beautiful bride and I getting ready for the wedding.

Feeling sassy in my pretty dress. What a fantastic color combo, right?

Midwest girls in the Sunshine State!

After the wedding was over I headed up to LA (Venice and North Hollywood) to hang out with two high school friends who have made Cali their home. More adventures were had - visiting a psychic, feasting on In-n-Out Burger, and getting checked out by a homeless man at the Disney Soda Fountain...I didn't say they were all fun adventures.

Photobooth fun with my Marshmellow

Soaking up the sun in Venice

Now I'm back in Indy, prospecting some new job leads, and taking steps to really change my outlook on life. Stay tuned to learn more about that. My vacation rejuvenated me and reinforced the desire to make some changes. I'm excited to find out what will happen next.

...the quest continues!

Choose your own adventure!

NOTE: Lately, I've really been trying to find myself, both personally and professionally. If you read my last blog (which according to my analytics, no one did), you'll know that I've been dealing with some depression and bouts of saddness. Well, I've decided that is not the person I am. And it is certainly not the person I want to be. Therefore, I'm taking matters into my own hands to make it better. And what a better place to document that journey, than right here

Did you ever read the Choose Your Own Adventure books? Remember how you'd be reading along and suddenly at the bottom of the page you'd be posed with a question? If you wanted to choose one outcome, you turned to a particular page. If you wanted to choose something completely opposite, you turned to a completed different page. Either way, the story would take a completely different turn and it would change the course of the book. Now, if you were anything like me, I'd choose one, read it, and then go back and see what the other option was later...just out of curiousity.

Well, do you ever think of life as a Choose Your Own Adventure? We're going along, chapter by chapter and we essentially get to choose where we go next. Sometimes its not always as cut and dry as that, but that's basically how it's done. Well, because of the adventure I chose...and because I'm not so excited with the course my book (life) has taken...I'm considering going back and checking out my other options to see if maybe I can choose a new adventure. Right now there are all sorts of ideas milling around in my brain...going back for a second bachelor's...trying to completely change my career...I'm just not sure.

But here's the most difficult part - what adventure do I choose? I've spent roughly the last 15 years of my life wanting to be a communications and marketing professional...what else can I really do? That's I've decided to employ the help of my friends! I've asked a group of 17 people to complete an  online assessment of my personality and work style using the 360Reach website. Thus far, nine people have responded and the feedback has been very helpful. Once the assessment period is closed (after 15 days), I'm going to compare the data and do some research and see what conclusions I can draw from that. I'll be sure to keep you updated on the results.

Even though I'm just beginning to formulate a path for myself, I'm really hopeful that this is going to pull me out of the rutt I've been in for some time. Any words of wisdom, motivation, or advice you may have would be completely appreciated while I review my story and try to determine which page I'm going to turn to in order to keep my adventure going.

I feel like I'm drifting

In that, I mean like I'm just floating along. Doing what I need to in order to get by. I hate that feeling. I want to be passionate about something; I want to be driven. But nothing is driving me right now. I tolerate my job, but I know its not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Ideally I'd like to not be doing it for the next year. I've applied for some others and am hoping to land some interviews but I'm nervous. The longer I'm out of the nonprofit world the harder it will be to go back. I'm worried that being a proposal puppet is becoming my destiny. Not to mention the fact that they want to institute a new process where I will essentially be a middle man. I'll do the writing (but since there's so much that's already been written it will be copy and paste) and someone else will do the layout. Which I don't mind, they have much more experience that I do anyway, but after doing something for a year and a half and then having it taken away, it just sort of feels like slap in the face.

To be honest, I think I'm just depressed. I feel like I've been on the verge of depression for years and now I'm starting to slip closer and closer into the black hole. I've been sleeping a lot - on Monday I took a 30 minute nap at lunch and then another hour and a half nap after work. You'd think that would mean I wouldn't be able to sleep Monday night, but that wasn't the case. I went to be at my usual time (11ish) and had no problem falling asleep. I find that I'll care about losing weight for a few days, and do really well at watching what I eat and working out, but then a slack off and anything I might have lost comes right back. I'm procrastinating with my other life commitments. I just don't want to do anything.

I know its time that I take the step and start seeing a therapist. Deal with my self-worth issues, figure out why I don't think I deserve good things to happen to me. Stop depreciating myself through my words and actions. But my insurance isn't exactly mental health friendly. First of all, its high-deductible, so everything is payed for out of pocket until my $2000 (yes, that's right) deductible is met. Second, even if it weren't so expensive, I'm only allowed 26 visits a year. I understand that's every other week, but still...limited? That seems unfair. I checked into one place near me and found out that with my insurance, each visit would be $69.90. I don't see how I can justify $140 a month. Or where that money will come from, frankly. I feel incredibly trapped. I want to feel better and get past this, but I know I can't do it alone and unfortunately I do not have the resources to get help.

This is a lot for me to put out there in the universe. To say, hey, I'm not totally happy. I'm not the glittering ball of spunk that I try to portray. I'm sad. And I don't know how to make it better.

He wasn't a keeper...

It's almost two weeks since Josh and I broke up, but its been crazy with work and my grandmother passing away and I still didn't really have closure, so I hadn't blogged about it. But now I'm ready to lay it all out there.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I was struggling with his work schedule. I was trying so very hard to be patient, but it was just getting ridiculous. He canceled plans four times in a matter of weeks because he couldn't leave work. I got to the point that I just stopped asking to hang out.

So, the weekend of the Indy 500, he was spending all weekend at the track. I mean, really spending the weekend there...camping. I knew it meant very little communication, which was fine because I had plans of my own with the bachelorette party and shower. There were sporadic texts, usually initiated by me, and one call from him on Saturday night where he was breaking up real bad and just kept telling me over and over again that he was going to sleep...um, ok?

So Sunday afternoon, about 4 p.m., I texted him to ask how he was feeling and how the race was and he responded that he was tired and never going to spend so many days at the track again. He also said that everyone was too tired and drunk so they were just going to drive home the following day. I told him I'd be home in two hours and would be happy to come pick him up but he responded that while he appreciated the offer he was going to pass. So, wait...you've been at the track since THURSDAY and you're telling me that you don't want to go home and sleep in a real bed? Or pass up the chance to see your girlfriend whom you're supposedly "falling for" and haven't seen in about two weeks? Needless to say, I was pretty pissed off. In fact, I was so upset that I woke up in the middle of the night fretting and crying over the situation and decided to text him to request that we talk about things. Had his feelings changed? Could I continue to do this?

The following morning he texted me back with all these excuses about not having enough phone chargers at the track and that his phone was dead most the weekend and his feelings had not changed. I texted him and asked that he call me once he was home and rested. That was probably about 10 a.m. At 2:30 I still hadn't heard from him so I called him. He didn't answer.

He didn't call all night. He didn't text. Nothing. Not a peep. To say I was livid would be an understatement. Finally about 8:30 a.m. on Tuesday my phone rang. He explained (vaguely) that he'd had a "bomb" dropped on him the previous day that sent him into a panic attack and eventually sent him to the stress center for the night (I still have no idea what the eff that is). He said he couldn't tell me what was going on right then but he'd call me later and it didn't have anything to do with him and I. OOOOOkay. Like that didn't send me into a hizzy when we hung up. I was imagining all sorts of things it could be and was sure I was imagining the worst possible scenarios and I needed answers.

I asked him via text to give me some answers and that what he was doing wasn't fair. So he called me back and informed me that about seven weeks before he met me he'd had a one night stand with some chick and she'd called him the previous day to inform him that she was pregnant and wanted money for an abortion. I had no idea what to say. I couldn't be upset about the one night stand, it was before me, it happens, I get that. But what could be upset about was that he lied to me. He told me it had been eight months since he'd been with anyone. In fact, he used that as a way to guilt me into being with him, "its been so long"...blech. When I informed him that I was mad that he lied to me, his response was, "I have bigger things on my plate to worry about right now than whether or not I lied to you."

We hung up quickly after that I didn't hear from him for seven days. Nothing. Not a peep. In my mind, I was done and didn't care if I ever heard from him again. I felt incredibly manipulated and taken advantage of. I started questioning everything he'd told me and realizing that some of the things he said just really didn't add up. Things that I'd told myself were not a big deal and I should look past suddenly seemed to matter and I realized that I'd been forcing myself to have feelings for this guy. I'd been telling myself that even though I didn't feel the way he felt about me, maybe I could over time and I should just wait it out. Maybe I eventually wouldn't see him as a consolation prize to what I really wanted.

So, he texted me this past Tuesday. He apologized for what he'd did and that he knew he was in the wrong to not be honest with me. He said he hoped I was well and wished me luck in the future. Now, I might be blonde, but I'm not stupid. I knew exactly what he was doing. Playing the "I know you're not interested" card to get me to be like, "it's ok, I forgive you, I'm sorry too. Let's live happily ever after!" No way that was happening. I responded and said, "I appreciate you apology. Good luck to you as well." Of course he then asked if there was no interest in working it out. I said I didn't think so because I was now questioning every single thing he told me and realizing that things really didn't add up. He informed me that I had major trust issues and he realized he contributed to that. I said, yes, I do. I believe I was up front about that in the beginning, just like everything else.

I didn't hear from him for two days. On Thursday, the day of my grandma's funeral, I was feeling vulnerable and sent him a text telling him so. He called me and we talked for awhile...well, he talked...one more thing I noticed, he did the majority of the talking in our conversations. He admitted that we jumped into things too quickly and didn't take the opportunity to get to know each other. Um, hello, didn't I say that in the beginning?!? Before we hung up he said he would text me the next day to see how I was doing. But today is Sunday and I have still yet to receive such a text.

I just don't understand how this keeps happening to me? How do I continue to meet these manipulative, untruthful, disrespectful men? Is it something I do? Is it the way I present myself? Is it because I'm fat? I don't know why it never changes, but its incredibly frustrating and disheartning. I'm torn between not wanting to go through shit time and time again and not wanting to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't deserve this. And if you know me, you know I rarely say things like that. But really, I do not deserve to treated like this over and over. It's bull shit.

I'm outdoorsy...I like getting drunk on patios.

It started probably five or six years ago. I think the first time we ever did it we had a nice meal of spaghetti and vegetables...and wine, of course. Or beer. But over time, the food stopped and the beverages increased. Soon they were impromptu gossip sessions on Regina's deck to discuss the latest boy we'd met, the struggles with our jobs, or just the general life stresses of being a twenty-something...dating, school, marriage, divorce, money, and the occasional amusing viewing of the Casual Encounters section of Craig's List. We called it Decksitting. We were really original.

It was more than just sharing our silly stories over alcoholic beverages. It was bonding time. It was weaving us together so tightly that even the changes our lives took over the next few years could not tear us apart.

For me at the time, it was the opportunity to be the entertainer, which I've always done as a way to make people like me. Tell them a funny story and make them laugh. Then they'll think you're funny and want to keep you around. Back then I was making bad decisions...a lot of them. Decksitting was the time that I'd entertain my friends with a story of the latest booty call or creeper encounter at the bar. My indiscretions made for great stories and I was more than willing to oblige.

Then I went to Michigan. Surely I thought that awesome stage of our lives was over. Soon after Regina went to California, therefore removing the key element we needed for decksitting out of the equation - the deck. Andrea got married. Lydia took a seven month road trip. Lauren moved north to Anderson to pursue her dreams of being a librarian. Carrie became a nurse and went to Houston, and I came back to Indy.

Yesterday was a rare opportunity...all six of us got to indulge in a little decksitting. With Regina in from Cali for her wedding shower, and Carrie visiting from Houston, its the first time we've all been together in over a year, and is potentially the last time we will be together for even longer. Yesterday our deck was Andrea's living room and while we were still drinking and talking boys, much of our focus was placed on the two little ladies that entered our circle last fall - Andrea's daughter Olivia and Carrie's baby girl Amelia. I sat on the floor, watching Regina dancing with Olivia and Lydia snapping photos of Amelia like she was the paparazzi and I realized that decksitting was never about being on a deck. It was never about the drinks or the stories. It was about the people. These five ladies have shaped who I am. They are beautiful representations of unconditional love an friendship. Even now that we're separated by thousands of miles, our bond is still as strong as it was all those years ago. It's truly amazing. I feel incredibly blessed to be friends with these girls. They are my rocks and inspiration.

I can't wait to decksit with them in our nursing home someday.

Patience is not my virtue

These past few weeks have been a test in patience...and while I think I'm passing, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. The boyfriend has been working...CONSTANTLY. I mean, from 8 am to 9, 10, sometimes 11 pm every single day. In fact, in the past three weeks, I've seen him for a total of one and a half hours. Don't get me wrong, I know the relationship is new and I'm not expecting to spend every waking minute with this guy, but seriously?

It's not his fault. He has an awful job. I get it. But the part of me that needs attention isn't so understanding. She is angry and resentful and totally ready to walk away. Last night I had a nice conversation with my friend Katie who has been dating a guy for about seven months who also works all the time and she had some insight that made me feel better. She said that in a good relationship, you should want to spend a lot of time together, but you shouldn't need to. A good relationship should withstand time apart and still be healthy. It makes sense. And while it's still new, I feel like this is a good relationship. So, I'm going to practice my patience and try not to complain (it makes him feel guilty) and be grateful that there is someone who wants to be with me.

In other news, I suck at life. Okay, that's a little dramatic, but, well, have you met me? I can't even tell you how much weight I've gained because well, frankly I'm scared to get on the scale. But its a lot. I worked so hard for so long to lose that 64 lbs and now I'm throwing it away. And what's worse, I don't even care. I don't make any effort to watch what I eat...yesterday it was TBCY (not yogurt, birthday cake ice cream), the day before that it was bagels (although gluten-free so that's at least something), earlier this week - two McDonald's McDoubles (not so gluten-free). It's ridiculous. And I can't bring myself to go to the gym.

I need a wake-up call. Shit, I need someone to slap the hell out of me and tell me to get my ass in gear. Do you think Jillian Michaels is available to come to Indy and do that for me for awhile? Free of charge, of course. I'm so angry with myself, but for some reason, instead of making that anger productive by going to the gym and doing something to make myself proud, I'm punishing myself by eating more. I feel like I can't stop.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post, I just needed to get stuff off my chest. Hopefully putting it out there will be the therapeutic push I need to clear my conscience and have an amazing weekend with my most favorite people on Earth who are flying in from all parts of the country. That, I can get excited about!

Thanks for reading.

Confederate Flag Belt Buckle...DRINK!

This weekend was the annual Springtime Festival in the Laingsburg (The LBG), where I grew up. Springtime Festival is many things to many people - to the town elders, its an opportunity to show the pride for the city they grew up in, for youth, its all about the carnival...which rides you'll go on, how much disgusting carnival food you can consume, and perhaps most important, who your carnival boyfriend or girlfriend will be.

For me, the Springtime Festival is an opportunity to Come Home. Don't get me wrong, I visit my family several times a year - I stay at my parents house, I reconnect with high school friends, and I spend the weekend in the LBG, but Mother's Day Weekend is the only time I truly Come Home. By this, I mean, I allow myself to go back to the person I was when I lived there and attended school, for better or worse. I go to the bar, knowing I'll see people I went to school with leaning toward one another and whispering about me. The old insecurities flood back. I always feel like people will be surprised to see me drinking alcohol, given what a goodie-two-shoes I was back in the day. I feel the need to mention my boyfriend in every other sentence, more of way of saying "yeah, there's someone who wants to be with me...are you shocked?" I revert to my teenage self in many ways.

This year, it turned into another opportunity - sisterly bonding. Now, as I've mentioned several times before, my sister and I are about as close as two siblings can be. Despite our four-and-a-half-year age difference, we are best friends and share everything. We are very different, yet VERY similar. One trait we definitely share is our cattiness. Which brings me to my story.

We were at a bar that's so appropriately named "The Burg" [lame]. To be honest, it was kind of boring. There were people slowly filtering in, but none that we particularly recognized and/or cared to talk to. I mentioned that we should have created LBG Bingo...and every time we saw something cliche that you'd only see in the spectacular fashion of our hometown, you'd mark if off. My sister, in her infinite wisdom and glory, took it a step further and introduced the idea of the LBG Drinking Game. Same premises as bingo, but when you saw something cliche, you simply drink. The rest of the night sounded something like this:

"Chick in cameo pants...DRINK"

"Dude wearing a Laingstucky shirt...DRINK"

"Guy in a cut off jean jacket with an American flag on the back...DRINK"

"Walmart Wolverine...DRINK"

We even introduced the game to the couple sitting behind us, a guy who was a freshman when I was a senior and his fiance, whom I didn't recognize but am sure is an LBG girl...probably was a freshman when he was a senior. I was holding out for seeing someone walk in sporting their varsity jacket from 1983. I am still crushed that it did not happen.

Aside from that, the night was pretty uneventful, unless you count the nasty, drunk guy from my sister's class who kept insisting that I show him my boobs (which I don't, because that kind of stuff happens to me all the time).

It was a good weekend. But I'm happy to be back in the Circle City and happy back to the life I've created here and a person that I am comfortable being. Going home is always good, but coming back is much better.

It's been eight years since I could say this...

I have a boyfriend.

Josh and I made it "official" on Friday night. It was pretty low-key. He said, "so when do I get to be your boyfriend?" And I replied, "Now, I suppose."

I mean, I know that's really quick. But why not? I'm not interested in dating anyone else; he's not interested in dating anyone else. We both disabled the accounts for the website where we met. So...why not just go for it? Don't get me wrong, I'm STILL overwhelmed by how fast things are moving and how open he is with his feelings for me, but its seems to be the general consensus of all of my friends to just go with the flow and not over analyze it. However, I did put some of my apprehensions out there, basically saying to him, you don't know me very well yet, I'm afraid that you've built me up in your head to be someone that I'm really not, and when you discover that, you're going to be sorely disappointed. He replied that he doesn't think that's true, that from the time we've spent together and the time we've spent talking that he really thinks I'm amazing and he has no preconceived notions and that he just has a feeling about me. He's said that a lot...he has a feeling about me. I am a huge believer in intuition and following your gut, so I can't really argue with that logic.

I keep forgetting to take a photo of us when we're together, but I will soon and I'll post it so people know I'm not making him up. Its true...there is a boy on this planet who actually likes me. Alert the media.

Happy Monday!

Weekend Recap - The Date.

I know it's Tuesday afternoon and a little late to being a recap of the weekend, but I guess better late than never. This might be sort of a long post and I apologize in advance, but I have a lot on my mind and need to get it out. I've found that this blog seems to be a good place to do that...mostly because I'm pretty sure barely anyone at all reads it.

Let me start off by recapping the weekend. It was a busy one, but also a great one, so I'm not complaining one bit.

On Friday night I went with a few of my favorite girls to see My Yellow Rickshaw, a cover band that we discovered while hanging out at the Claddagh on St. Patrick's Day. This band has a fiddler (I know, how cool) who used to be in an Irish band that we enjoyed and so it makes seeing this band even more fun, because for one thing he's awesome and for another he's hot. Unfortunately, as I've recently discovered, I'm too old to go out on Friday nights anymore and was ready to curl up and turn into a pumpkin at 11:30. Lame, I know.

On Saturday I traveled up to Ft. Wayne to meet my sister, brother-in-law, and a few of my sister's friends and their families for a day at the zoo. There were seven adults and seven children, the seven children belonged to two families, were all under the age of eight, and were all boys. It was an interesting day. But the zoo always promises good people watching and Saturday was no exception. I think my favorite sighting was that of a very overweight seven year old (estimate) girl trying to position herself into a red wagon to enjoy her large plate of fries and large drink that I am guessing was not water.

I had a great time with my sister. It's so nice to be able to do these types of things with her after the year of hell she had. For those of you who don't know, my older sister suffers from an autoimmune disease called Scleroderma. Her form is systemic and affects her intestines, so she has lots of gastrointestinal problems and has spent many agonizing days (sometimes weeks) in hospitals trying to figure out how to best treat it. The medication she's on now, along with a restricted diet seems to be doing wonders as she has not had a hospital stay in almost six months and in March had her IV port removed from her chest. Yesterday she had numerous appointments at UM and we were all relieved to hear that the disease has not spread to any of her other vital organs like her lungs and heart. I'm so thankful to have her, and have her in good health and finally feel like we are moving in the right direction in terms of her treatment.

I left the zoo around 4 o'clock (sadly missing the kangaroos) to come back to Indy and babysit for my good friends Jen and Tom. They had Gavin back in December and like most new parents, don't have the opportunity to go out just the two of them often, so I offered to watch G while they played trivia on Saturday night. I got there around 6 and from probably 6:30 - 8:30 he snoozed in his swing. When he seemed to be waking up, I fed him and played with him a little and by 9:15 or so he fell back asleep for the rest of the evening. It was pretty much the easiest babysitting gig I've ever had.

On Sunday I had a JCI Indy planning meeting and we were able to establish some direction for the remainder of the year, even though there were only four of us who showed up. I'm feel more confident about having this direction, but am still extremely disappointed with the lack of commitment I'm seeing from others on the board.

Sunday evening was my big date. Before I go into the date, I guess I should give a little background on the guy (whom I've yet to create a name...maybe I'll let Erin do that). I met him through OKCupid, a free dating site that I've been on and off for a few years, mostly off because of the lack of quality of guy I keep going out on dates with.They always seem to really only be looking for one thing and not really thinking long-term. But knowing two people who have found love on that site, I keep holding out hope that eventually a good one will come along...and that's maybe happened.

This guy messaged me last Monday, introduced himself and made intelligent conversation in the first message...more than I can say for many of the guys who have contacted me. We messaged back and forth the rest of the day and then he asked if he could call me. He seemed to meet all the criteria for being talk-worthy - complete sentences, proper grammar, a general interest in me - so I said yes.

We talked on the phone basically every night last week. He's 34, has never been married, has no kids and has a job at a lab on the NW side. His parents own a bar in Carmel and he's very close to his family, which is very important to me. He's been very direct in the fact that he's looking to meet the right person, settle down, get married, and live happily ever after. However, he has yet to mention where kids fit into that equation and I haven't brought it up either, since in the past my general stance has been, ew.

So we went out Sunday night and had a really good time. He's very funny, much cuter than his photos, and very attentive. He remembered many of the things I told him and made it very clear that he's interested in me. VERY. CLEAR.

Which brings me to my reservation. It's been a week. He's very into me. Telling me that he hopes he can eventually be my boyfriend and that he's thinks I'm amazing and I'm everything he's been looking for and that he believes in fate and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm as invested as he at the moment and frankly his openness about how he feels about me is FREAKING ME THE EFF OUT. Now, maybe I'm just being silly because I'm not used to being treated so well by a guy, but I'm really getting nervous. I'd love to keep seeing him and see where it goes, but I think I need him to back off a little. Last night I had a minor freak out and told him that I'm prone to put up walls with guys and if he didn't think he could handle that than I'd totally understand if he wanted to walk away. You'd think I'd just ended a 10 marriage with him. He was completely worried that I was ending it and didn't understand why I would say something along those lines, not blaming him if he wanted to walk away.

In hindsight, I'm wondering if I was trying to sabotage it. I have this preconceived notion that I'll always be alone and that I'm not good enough for this reason or that reason. Maybe the way this guy is treating me is EXACTLY how I am supposed to be treated and I'm just too damaged to see it? I don't know. We're going to a baseball game tonight, so I'm hoping that hanging out with him again will remind me of how much I enjoy his company and how attracted I am to him.

Deep down, I want to be with someone. I want to have a life-long relationship. I want it more than anything. Now its potentially staring me in the face and I'm backing away from it? Am I really that messed up or is this guy coming on too strong?

5QF - 4/20

So again, I'm taking this idea from Erin, which I seem to be doing with a lot of things these days. But it's Friday, so I thought I'd do a fun little light-hearted post with some questions. Monday I'll have a recap of my fun-filled weekend, complete with a band, the zoo, babysitting, strategic planning and a date (yes, I said a D-A-T-E)!

But for now, enjoy five facts about me!

1. Groceries are high right now what is easiest way you have found to cut back?
I'm pretty sure that between Weight Watchering and maintaining my Celiac Disease, groceries is one thing I will never be able to cut back on. I tend to stay away from the foods that have been altered to be GF (bread, pasta) and only eat things that are naturally gluten free (fruits, meats, veggies), but still living that lifestyle is much more expensive than when I was eating whatever I want. However, its completely worth it to feel good.


2. What are the top 3 things on your "bucket list"?

I've never taken the time to write my bucket list down...well, maybe I have but have sense lost it, but its probably something I need to do again. I'd say that the three things I'd most like to do right now are: buy a condo, get a doggie, and reach my goal weight.


3. Would you rather give up AC or heat?

After spending three summers in a house that was not equipped with central air, I would definitely say I would rather give up heat. I spent too many sleepless nights sweating and practically laying on top of the fan to ever do that again.


4. What's your favorite cocktail??

My favorite cocktail of the moment is Bacardi Limon and Diet because it's the healthiest in terms of points. However, not too many bars have that liquor in stock, so I often settle for regular Bacardi and diet...not even close to as yummy.


5. What was your first job & how old were you?

My first job was working in my family's flower shop when  I was 15. I didn't get paid, per say, but in exchange for my work, my parents purchased the feed for my fair projects. My first real-life paying job was at Field's Pharmacy working the front counter and stocking shelves my first summer after college. Plus I got to spend every day with my high school bestie and yet-to-be adulthood bestie.

A fashionable weekend

So my weekend started out pretty awful. On Friday I had a terrible day at work. One of those days where I was so busy I didn't get to eat lunch and things just didn't seem to be going my way. In middle of all that, I got a call letting me know I didn't get the job I'd had two interviews for and was really hoping I'd land. To say I was bummed out would be an understatement.

I was supposed to go out that evening, but instead decided to stay home and feel sorry for myself. I made myself sick on pizza ans cried...a lot. Thankfully, a friend convinced me to come over to his house and hang out and with some joking around and a little wine, I ended up having a good Friday night and decided not to let a bad day ruin my entire weekend.

So Saturday I decided that the best idea was to partake in a little retail therapy. And I went out on a limb and bought these...

Aren't they fabulous? I have never went out on a limb and bought frivolous shoes that did not serve a purpose. I have no idea what outfit I'll wear these with, but that's okay, they're gorgeous and I will find an outfit to go with them.

I decided to keep the self-pampering going because it made me feel better about myself. I went and got a trim on my hair (I'm trying to grow it out so I asked them to take off as little as possible). Then I came home and colored my hair. I started coloring my hair myself at the beginning of 2012. I go to Sally's and buy the good hair dry, mix it with the toner and apply it myself...it costs $11, as opposed to the $75 I'd spend at a salon. I'm not adventurous enough to highlight it myself, but I do all over color and my natural highlights seem to provide enough contrast. It takes concentration and effort on my part, but it saves so much money that it is definitely worth it.

You'd think that'd be the end of my shopping spree, but it wasn't. I topped it off today with a new belt, a scarf and a new jean jacket that I paired with a white linen dress I bought a few weeks ago at Old Navy and then wore it to a Silpada open house I was attended this afternoon. I'm pretty happy with how the outfit turned out.

I'm not sure this is dressy enough to wear to work, but I definitely think I could wear it out and am hoping to wear it so some Scentsy parties. I feel like being well put together is key for being successful in direct sales. Plus, having my hair done and taking time to really do my make up, along with the outfit, make me feel REALLY good about myself and I think that might be a key to helping build my self-esteem and confidence in putting myself out there in terms of dating.

Lastly, I purchased a really cute necklace at the Silpada party and she let me have the one she had there so I was got to wear it home! I really love the necklace and I also really want to get a charm bracelet that I fell in love with, but of course, is $90...so, I might have to have a Silpada party.

Here you can see the necklace, as well as my hair...although it doesn't look as blonde in the photo as it does in the mirror. But it does, as a friend informed me last night, make my eyes pop.

So, I'm happy to say that I was able to take a weekend that could have just been me laying on the couch being sad and mopey and turn it into a weekend where I really feel about myself at the end of it...and only my bank account had to suffer. ;)