Investing in Myself

Last night was a night of realizations for me, on many fronts. My good friend Lydia and I went to Happy Hour at the Symphony. It was spectacular! I've forgotten how amazing it is to hear instrumental music live and how calming it can be. To say that I had a great time would be an enormous understatement.

I was taken by surprise by how many people our age were in attendance. If fact, I would say the at least 70 percent of the audience were people in their 20s and 30s. Have I been missing out on this trend of classical music enthusiasts in my own generation? Where was I when this happened? Why am I not an active member of this movement? Clearly its time to change that. I'm seriously considering becoming a member of Fotre, a young professionals group that grants access to the ISO along with volunteer opportunities and discounts. I was shocked to see that membership is only $39 per season.

The second realization was that not only were these people my age attending the symphony, they looked amazing. All were very well put together. Dressed for success. Then something hit me. Maybe my clothes are holding me back. Perhaps the fact that I don't pay too much attention to my wardrobe is a reason that I'm not where I want to be professionally, or, dare I say it, personally.

See, I grew up poor. Like, occasionally-coming-home-to-no-electricity-because-we-couldn't-afford-to-pay-the-bill poor. We were never on food stamps (although I'm sure we could have qualified) and to my knowledge never took any type of government assistance. But, no doubt about it, we lived below the poverty line. I feel like people who grow up in this kind of circumstance either take one of two routes in adulthood: they start to make a steady income and begin allowing themselves the luxuries they never had before, or they continue to live the lifestyle their accustomed to because its really all they know.

I have definitely done the latter. I don't take trips...I can never "afford" it. I don't save money well. I don't buy expensive clothes...in fact, I'm not sure I've ever paid more than $30 for a pair of shoes. The thought of shopping in stores like Lane Bryant makes me cringe because, while I love their clothes, I know the amount of money I'd spend on a single outfit could buy me three at a place like Old Navy (my store of choice). However, as a result, my fashion is less than on point. Sometimes my clothes are ill-fitting and more often than not, look old (because they are), and cheap (because they are).

I'm trying to view updating my wardrobe as more than shelling out more money than I'd usually spend for clothes...I'm trying, with much difficulty, to view it as an investment in myself. I mean, yes, weight loss is a major investment in myself, but why wait until my journey is over to look good? Why can't I look good right now? In the process?

I feel like 2012 has already been a big year of growth and progress for me and I'm excited to take this next step, which to many may seem small, but to poor girl from a po-dunk town is rather large, to show people who I really am. This is my undying effort to make my outer person match my inner person.

Any plus size fashion tips or advice that you have, please share, I am all ears!

A little life update

Things have been busy, which I LOVE and am not complaining, but it does mean I've neglected my blog. However, I'm not sure anyone besides Erin is reading it so maybe it's not that much of a loss. I guess I need to work on increasing my readership. I'll add it to my list of things to do!

Here, in no particular order, are some updates on my life...

I decided last week to rejoin Weight Watchers. I've come to terms with the fact that I cannot do it on my own. I need the structure of the program, I need the accountability of the meetings, and I need the reminder that I am paying for this so I need to dedicate my time to it in order to make it worth my money. I know the program works. Between October of 2009 and December of 2010 I lost 64 lbs. Unfortunately, after quiting around March of last year I've regained 36 lbs. That's unacceptable, but it is also solid proof that I was and am not ready to go it alone. I need WW in order to be successful. And I NEED to be successful. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I need to experience what it's like to be normal sized person. I need to stop letting my weight hold me back in all the ways it does - with guys, in trying new things, etc. I've just resolved myself to the fact that this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm ready for it. As I've been saying all week, bring on the hard.

Boys....oh, boys. What funny little creatures. While I'm not dating anyone at the moment, and not really trying to (see above for reasons) I do seem to have some men in my life. Not that I mind, if there's one thing I like, it's attention. And there are two who have been giving me a lot. The first is the Michigan boy. He's been around for about three years. We have this constant cycle of being great, my stupid feelings getting in the way, deciding we're not going to see each other anymore, then somehow winding up back at it in a few weeks. That seems to be where we are again. Back in January I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. It's been going on too long and I needed to open myself up to new opportunities. He agreed. Everything stopped...then picked back up...then stopped....then picked back up...needless to say its been emotional. Yesterday I decided I'd rather be what we are than on this merry-go-round of starting and stopping. I told him I wanted to continue as we had been and see what happens. It's not like I have men beating down my door to date me and what we have is much better than being alone. He's my best friend and I've missed that more than anything else.

But, if he were the only one. The second boy...we'll call him the Agent for reasons I cannot disclose. We've been talking since last summer. There's a lot to the story that maybe at some point and time I'll go into but right not do not have the time or energy. He's a nice guy who's fallen on some really hard times and more than anything I just want to be a support system for him because I get the feeling he lacks that in many of his friendships. And apparently part of being that support is to receive phone calls from him in the wee hours of the morning. It was 3 am this morning. He calls and chats about whatever is on his mind and I listen without falling back asleep on him. He doesn't like it when the conversation is centered around anything other than himself, so I don't get much talk time. On the phone we are just friends...in fact he likes to call me his best friend. When I go over to his house he acts like we're more. Which I'm really not interested in. At all. His newest favorite thing is to tell me the reasons why he "loves" me. I know he means it in a friendly fashion, but something about the way he says it makes me uneasy.

Okay, this turned out to be a longer update than I planned...apparently I should have wrote separate weight issue and boy posts. Maybe in the coming days I will. For now, I should run.

Take care, cyber world!

The adventure begins...

So, as I announced last week, I've decided to become a Scentsy Consultant! I think this is going to be a great opportunity to earn some extra money in order to help my achieve my goal of buying a condo, I think it will be a great opportunity to meet new people and stay connected to my friends, and as I'm learning, Scentsy is a fantastic company who really cares about their employees!

I officially signed up on Wednesday and was so pleased that my started kit arrived the very next day! I lugged the heavy box into my apartment and immediately documented the start of my Scentsy adventure!

Unfortunately, I had to then leave the box in the middle of the floor UNOPENED while I ran some errands and got my oil changed. It was painful. I wanted nothing more than to sit down in the middle of the dining room and pull every item out of the box and spread it out onto the floor.

So I did that when I got home. :)

It was so much fun pulling out all the scents, smelling them, and trying to determine which one was my favorite...which is Linger....no, well, maybe Love Story....actually, maybe Weathered Leather....okay, I admit it, I can't pick one, so many of them are amazing!

After spreading it all out, I repacked it so I could haul it up to Michigan to show my mom and sister. So Saturday evening, my mom, sister and I had a scent smelling party. We went through every scent and used the scent tracker I printed to decide which ones we liked, which ones we loved and which ones we could take or leave. Or well, in my mom' case, which ones she loved, which ones she loved loved, and which ones she loved loved loved! She was so cute! Going through all the scents too so long with three of us, but we had a great time. I kept singing songs that had the scent names in the title and watching my sister's face after she'd smell one was so funny.

Speaking of my weekend in Michigan, it was so great! I hadn't been since Christmas so it was awesome to just relax with my family. On Saturday we went and visited my Gramma at her rehab center and got to hear all about how they torture her by making her do physical therapy (in rehab, I mean, how mean, right? giggle). My sister came over from Grand Rapids but my brother-in-law wasn't feeling well so he stayed home. I love him so much and he's a fantastic husband to my sister, but I have to admit, I was a little geeked when I found out it was going to be just her. For so long the it was just the four of us and it was amazing to be able to spend a little time like that over the weekend.

This morning we had breakfast at the American Legion, which is also a family tradition. We got to see old neighbors and townies and what not. The Legion never disappoints. Plus the breakfast is delicious!

This afternoon I made the drive back down to Indy listening to "This American Life" podcasts the whole way. I love that podcast and I've been downloading them each week and saving them for the drive to Michigan. I also maybe stopped in to see a certain guy that I said I wasn't going to see. Sigh. I know it's wrong and I need to move on if I'm ever going to get what I deserve. But he's amazing. And we always have the best time. And it was great to see him. And...and...and...I'm pathetic.

Anyway, now I'm home and ready for bed because tomorrow morning it's back to 5:30 gym time!! My mouth still hurts but I'm determined to push past it because I have goals I need to get back to working on! However, I did get some productivity done this evening, I cut out my business cards!!

I guess I'm official now!

Life goes on...

I kind of feel like that's my theme for today, like it or not, life goes on. Whether I'm ready for it to or not. Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Now, as bored as I have been stuck in the apartment for the last five days, I am dreading going back to the office. Especially tomorrow morning. Mornings have been real rough with pain and taking meds and passing out. However, that will not be an option tomorrow. At 8 am I have to return to my life, go into work and handle my responsibilities, even if I'm in pain.

I also need to get back to working out. I was doing so well and killing it in the gym before all this teeth mess happened and I need to get back to that state of mind and motivation. Regina's wedding is five months from today! I have a lot of work to do. Tonight I did some jumping jacks, squats, crunches, etc. and my mouth was throbbing after. But I can't let that stop me. I have goals. I have things I want to do...like run in a 5K Memorial Day weekend with the other ladies of the bridal party. I need to start working on that and push through this pain.

I've also spent a lot time today thinking about the past and situations that were holding me back. More than anything, these last five days have made me feel more alone than ever. I had to do for myself, no matter how badly I hurt. No one that could take care of me, no one to hug me, no one to rub my back and stroke my hair. This was incredibly sad. As much as I love my independence, there are times you just want someone else there who cares intimately about you. Not having that is really getting to me. My friends with benefits situation that ended in January was the emotional and moral (and physical) support I needed to get through tough things. While it was great and I miss it constantly, its never going to be what I truly need or deserve and I have to move on, its just proving to be incredibly difficult. I have to continue to be strong and remind myself that "taking what you can get" isn't better than waiting for what you deserve.

I am so bored

I had my wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday. The entire experience has been incredibly painful and I'm so glad its one I'll never have to experience again. It's really had me out of commission all week long. Between the pain and the drowsiness from the meds, I've probably spent 18 hours a day sleeping. Sounds amazing, right? I thought so too. However, now, I'm just bored.

Today is the first time I felt well enough to venture out of my apartment. However, I found that showering, putting on makeup and blow drying my hair seemed to be more of a process than normal. I got tired really fast. My first stop on my outing was Goodwill. I'm still putting the final touches on decorating my bedroom and have been looking for an old fashioned mirrored try to put candles and lotions on. Plus, I'm trying to get a bunch of small frames to spray paint and arrange over my bed. Anyway, I forgot that the first Saturday of the month is 50% off everything at Goodwill so it was PACKED! Too packed for someone recovering from surgery and wanting to aimlessly wander around. So, I half-heartedly looked around and left empty handed. Then I went to Walmart, but was feeling dizzy, so I left there and did the only thing I actually was able to successfully accomplish...a pedicure. I love pedicures. They make me so happy.

Following my pedi, I returned home and resumed my space on the couch...gladly. Baby steps, right? I'm hoping that by mid-week I'll be able to make it back to the gym and taking a little post-work road trip on Tuesday to see Erin's Scentsy set-up might take a toll. 

It's so weird how these things knock you out and it takes so long to recover. I'm not a patient person, so more than likely I will try to push myself and only end up having set backs. I need to remember to take things slow.

I promise to try to make these blogs more entertaining in the future, right now I'm just trying to focus on getting back into the habit of writing on a regular basis. Thanks for sticking out. :)

Things I need to be better about

Topping my list tonight: Blogging! I created this blog how many years ago? Yet I have let it fall by the wayside. That changes tonight! I will be more diligent about blogging and putting my thoughts out on virtual paper, so to speak. So, here we go!

I'm 31 years old, and sometimes, well most the time, I feel like I'm living as a 25 year old. Don't get me wrong, I loved being 25, but it was six years ago, I need to do some growing up and make some commitments in my life.

For example, my financial instability. There is no reason that I am still living paycheck to paycheck. I mean, yes, I should be making more money by this time, but since that's not really in my control, I'm going to try to do something else which is. So, I am announcing publicly for the first time that I am going to become a Scentsy Consultant! After hanging out with the amazing E1 last weekend and hearing her talk about the extra money she's made and the trip she earned and the fun she has, I thought, I can do that! I'm going to meet up with her next week to learn more about the product and I can't wait to begin selling and building my clientele! So, let me know if you're interested in ordering anything!

Another way that I'm not making the commitment of being a 30-something - I'm still jumping from apartment to apartment. I need to put my roots somewhere. I love Indy. I want to be here, I want to stay here...its time I buy something. So, this summer, while getting my finances in order, I'm going to start figuring out what I'd need to do to buy a Condo. I'm finding that I'm really happy in this area, and there are a lot of complexes that are in the 96th/Allisonville locale, so I think that's where I'm going to focus my search. So grownup, right?

Additionally, the career...so, I've said, its a job. It's not terrible. I'm not awful at it. But its not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Or even for very much longer. So, I'm going to start taking that into my own hands as well. Currently I am serving as chapter president for JCI Indianapolis and through the Junior Chamber International organization, I can actually become a certified trainer. This was always one of my favorite things about serving as a state officer - presenting trainings on leadership development to members. And, not to brag, but I was good at it. I have a natural knack for getting up in front of people and talking. Its never made me nervous, I've always thrived on it. So, why can't I find a way to make a living out of that? Now, I'm saying I'm going to become Matt Foley and live in a van down by the river, but why can't I become a corporate trainer? In fact, I've decided that I'm going to start a second blog (a professional one) on learning more about diversity in the workplace. It's something that's always fascinated me...watching how people of different ages, races, genders, etc, interact in the work place. I really want to become more knowledgeable about diversity and it's apparent need in the modern day workplace and learn how to train others to be more tolerant of their peers.

So, there you have it...big goals. Big dreams. It's definitely time that I put on my big girl panties and stop pretending to be a kid and start being an adult. Embrace my age, and embrace who I am, not who I think I need or should be.

Wish me luck and check back often for my progress!