Choose your own adventure!

NOTE: Lately, I've really been trying to find myself, both personally and professionally. If you read my last blog (which according to my analytics, no one did), you'll know that I've been dealing with some depression and bouts of saddness. Well, I've decided that is not the person I am. And it is certainly not the person I want to be. Therefore, I'm taking matters into my own hands to make it better. And what a better place to document that journey, than right here

Did you ever read the Choose Your Own Adventure books? Remember how you'd be reading along and suddenly at the bottom of the page you'd be posed with a question? If you wanted to choose one outcome, you turned to a particular page. If you wanted to choose something completely opposite, you turned to a completed different page. Either way, the story would take a completely different turn and it would change the course of the book. Now, if you were anything like me, I'd choose one, read it, and then go back and see what the other option was later...just out of curiousity.

Well, do you ever think of life as a Choose Your Own Adventure? We're going along, chapter by chapter and we essentially get to choose where we go next. Sometimes its not always as cut and dry as that, but that's basically how it's done. Well, because of the adventure I chose...and because I'm not so excited with the course my book (life) has taken...I'm considering going back and checking out my other options to see if maybe I can choose a new adventure. Right now there are all sorts of ideas milling around in my brain...going back for a second bachelor's...trying to completely change my career...I'm just not sure.

But here's the most difficult part - what adventure do I choose? I've spent roughly the last 15 years of my life wanting to be a communications and marketing professional...what else can I really do? That's I've decided to employ the help of my friends! I've asked a group of 17 people to complete an  online assessment of my personality and work style using the 360Reach website. Thus far, nine people have responded and the feedback has been very helpful. Once the assessment period is closed (after 15 days), I'm going to compare the data and do some research and see what conclusions I can draw from that. I'll be sure to keep you updated on the results.

Even though I'm just beginning to formulate a path for myself, I'm really hopeful that this is going to pull me out of the rutt I've been in for some time. Any words of wisdom, motivation, or advice you may have would be completely appreciated while I review my story and try to determine which page I'm going to turn to in order to keep my adventure going.

I feel like I'm drifting

In that, I mean like I'm just floating along. Doing what I need to in order to get by. I hate that feeling. I want to be passionate about something; I want to be driven. But nothing is driving me right now. I tolerate my job, but I know its not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Ideally I'd like to not be doing it for the next year. I've applied for some others and am hoping to land some interviews but I'm nervous. The longer I'm out of the nonprofit world the harder it will be to go back. I'm worried that being a proposal puppet is becoming my destiny. Not to mention the fact that they want to institute a new process where I will essentially be a middle man. I'll do the writing (but since there's so much that's already been written it will be copy and paste) and someone else will do the layout. Which I don't mind, they have much more experience that I do anyway, but after doing something for a year and a half and then having it taken away, it just sort of feels like slap in the face.

To be honest, I think I'm just depressed. I feel like I've been on the verge of depression for years and now I'm starting to slip closer and closer into the black hole. I've been sleeping a lot - on Monday I took a 30 minute nap at lunch and then another hour and a half nap after work. You'd think that would mean I wouldn't be able to sleep Monday night, but that wasn't the case. I went to be at my usual time (11ish) and had no problem falling asleep. I find that I'll care about losing weight for a few days, and do really well at watching what I eat and working out, but then a slack off and anything I might have lost comes right back. I'm procrastinating with my other life commitments. I just don't want to do anything.

I know its time that I take the step and start seeing a therapist. Deal with my self-worth issues, figure out why I don't think I deserve good things to happen to me. Stop depreciating myself through my words and actions. But my insurance isn't exactly mental health friendly. First of all, its high-deductible, so everything is payed for out of pocket until my $2000 (yes, that's right) deductible is met. Second, even if it weren't so expensive, I'm only allowed 26 visits a year. I understand that's every other week, but still...limited? That seems unfair. I checked into one place near me and found out that with my insurance, each visit would be $69.90. I don't see how I can justify $140 a month. Or where that money will come from, frankly. I feel incredibly trapped. I want to feel better and get past this, but I know I can't do it alone and unfortunately I do not have the resources to get help.

This is a lot for me to put out there in the universe. To say, hey, I'm not totally happy. I'm not the glittering ball of spunk that I try to portray. I'm sad. And I don't know how to make it better.