He wasn't a keeper...

It's almost two weeks since Josh and I broke up, but its been crazy with work and my grandmother passing away and I still didn't really have closure, so I hadn't blogged about it. But now I'm ready to lay it all out there.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I was struggling with his work schedule. I was trying so very hard to be patient, but it was just getting ridiculous. He canceled plans four times in a matter of weeks because he couldn't leave work. I got to the point that I just stopped asking to hang out.

So, the weekend of the Indy 500, he was spending all weekend at the track. I mean, really spending the weekend there...camping. I knew it meant very little communication, which was fine because I had plans of my own with the bachelorette party and shower. There were sporadic texts, usually initiated by me, and one call from him on Saturday night where he was breaking up real bad and just kept telling me over and over again that he was going to sleep...um, ok?

So Sunday afternoon, about 4 p.m., I texted him to ask how he was feeling and how the race was and he responded that he was tired and never going to spend so many days at the track again. He also said that everyone was too tired and drunk so they were just going to drive home the following day. I told him I'd be home in two hours and would be happy to come pick him up but he responded that while he appreciated the offer he was going to pass. So, wait...you've been at the track since THURSDAY and you're telling me that you don't want to go home and sleep in a real bed? Or pass up the chance to see your girlfriend whom you're supposedly "falling for" and haven't seen in about two weeks? Needless to say, I was pretty pissed off. In fact, I was so upset that I woke up in the middle of the night fretting and crying over the situation and decided to text him to request that we talk about things. Had his feelings changed? Could I continue to do this?

The following morning he texted me back with all these excuses about not having enough phone chargers at the track and that his phone was dead most the weekend and his feelings had not changed. I texted him and asked that he call me once he was home and rested. That was probably about 10 a.m. At 2:30 I still hadn't heard from him so I called him. He didn't answer.

He didn't call all night. He didn't text. Nothing. Not a peep. To say I was livid would be an understatement. Finally about 8:30 a.m. on Tuesday my phone rang. He explained (vaguely) that he'd had a "bomb" dropped on him the previous day that sent him into a panic attack and eventually sent him to the stress center for the night (I still have no idea what the eff that is). He said he couldn't tell me what was going on right then but he'd call me later and it didn't have anything to do with him and I. OOOOOkay. Like that didn't send me into a hizzy when we hung up. I was imagining all sorts of things it could be and was sure I was imagining the worst possible scenarios and I needed answers.

I asked him via text to give me some answers and that what he was doing wasn't fair. So he called me back and informed me that about seven weeks before he met me he'd had a one night stand with some chick and she'd called him the previous day to inform him that she was pregnant and wanted money for an abortion. I had no idea what to say. I couldn't be upset about the one night stand, it was before me, it happens, I get that. But what could be upset about was that he lied to me. He told me it had been eight months since he'd been with anyone. In fact, he used that as a way to guilt me into being with him, "its been so long"...blech. When I informed him that I was mad that he lied to me, his response was, "I have bigger things on my plate to worry about right now than whether or not I lied to you."

We hung up quickly after that I didn't hear from him for seven days. Nothing. Not a peep. In my mind, I was done and didn't care if I ever heard from him again. I felt incredibly manipulated and taken advantage of. I started questioning everything he'd told me and realizing that some of the things he said just really didn't add up. Things that I'd told myself were not a big deal and I should look past suddenly seemed to matter and I realized that I'd been forcing myself to have feelings for this guy. I'd been telling myself that even though I didn't feel the way he felt about me, maybe I could over time and I should just wait it out. Maybe I eventually wouldn't see him as a consolation prize to what I really wanted.

So, he texted me this past Tuesday. He apologized for what he'd did and that he knew he was in the wrong to not be honest with me. He said he hoped I was well and wished me luck in the future. Now, I might be blonde, but I'm not stupid. I knew exactly what he was doing. Playing the "I know you're not interested" card to get me to be like, "it's ok, I forgive you, I'm sorry too. Let's live happily ever after!" No way that was happening. I responded and said, "I appreciate you apology. Good luck to you as well." Of course he then asked if there was no interest in working it out. I said I didn't think so because I was now questioning every single thing he told me and realizing that things really didn't add up. He informed me that I had major trust issues and he realized he contributed to that. I said, yes, I do. I believe I was up front about that in the beginning, just like everything else.

I didn't hear from him for two days. On Thursday, the day of my grandma's funeral, I was feeling vulnerable and sent him a text telling him so. He called me and we talked for awhile...well, he talked...one more thing I noticed, he did the majority of the talking in our conversations. He admitted that we jumped into things too quickly and didn't take the opportunity to get to know each other. Um, hello, didn't I say that in the beginning?!? Before we hung up he said he would text me the next day to see how I was doing. But today is Sunday and I have still yet to receive such a text.

I just don't understand how this keeps happening to me? How do I continue to meet these manipulative, untruthful, disrespectful men? Is it something I do? Is it the way I present myself? Is it because I'm fat? I don't know why it never changes, but its incredibly frustrating and disheartning. I'm torn between not wanting to go through shit time and time again and not wanting to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't deserve this. And if you know me, you know I rarely say things like that. But really, I do not deserve to treated like this over and over. It's bull shit.