I feel like I'm drifting

In that, I mean like I'm just floating along. Doing what I need to in order to get by. I hate that feeling. I want to be passionate about something; I want to be driven. But nothing is driving me right now. I tolerate my job, but I know its not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Ideally I'd like to not be doing it for the next year. I've applied for some others and am hoping to land some interviews but I'm nervous. The longer I'm out of the nonprofit world the harder it will be to go back. I'm worried that being a proposal puppet is becoming my destiny. Not to mention the fact that they want to institute a new process where I will essentially be a middle man. I'll do the writing (but since there's so much that's already been written it will be copy and paste) and someone else will do the layout. Which I don't mind, they have much more experience that I do anyway, but after doing something for a year and a half and then having it taken away, it just sort of feels like slap in the face.

To be honest, I think I'm just depressed. I feel like I've been on the verge of depression for years and now I'm starting to slip closer and closer into the black hole. I've been sleeping a lot - on Monday I took a 30 minute nap at lunch and then another hour and a half nap after work. You'd think that would mean I wouldn't be able to sleep Monday night, but that wasn't the case. I went to be at my usual time (11ish) and had no problem falling asleep. I find that I'll care about losing weight for a few days, and do really well at watching what I eat and working out, but then a slack off and anything I might have lost comes right back. I'm procrastinating with my other life commitments. I just don't want to do anything.

I know its time that I take the step and start seeing a therapist. Deal with my self-worth issues, figure out why I don't think I deserve good things to happen to me. Stop depreciating myself through my words and actions. But my insurance isn't exactly mental health friendly. First of all, its high-deductible, so everything is payed for out of pocket until my $2000 (yes, that's right) deductible is met. Second, even if it weren't so expensive, I'm only allowed 26 visits a year. I understand that's every other week, but still...limited? That seems unfair. I checked into one place near me and found out that with my insurance, each visit would be $69.90. I don't see how I can justify $140 a month. Or where that money will come from, frankly. I feel incredibly trapped. I want to feel better and get past this, but I know I can't do it alone and unfortunately I do not have the resources to get help.

This is a lot for me to put out there in the universe. To say, hey, I'm not totally happy. I'm not the glittering ball of spunk that I try to portray. I'm sad. And I don't know how to make it better.