That left a mark...

I have this scar on my face. It runs along my jaw bone on the right side and is about an inch long. I'm sure that if you know me personally, you've never even noticed it. To be honest, I barely notice it anymore...but for years I was very insecure about it...I was very insecure about everything, for that matter.

I was in the second grade which would have made me eight, I think? I was playing in the back yard after school. My parents weren't home from work yet and my 12-year-old sister was "watching" me. But she rarely did that. And I didn't think there was any reason that I needed to be "watched". 

We had an old aluminum swing set in our back yard. It had two swings, and once upon a time, a slide. However, years earlier the slide had collapsed and my father had removed it. I'm not sure if that's a testament to the cheapness of the swing set or the childhood obesity of my sister who it collapsed beneath. I assume both were key factors. 

Now that the slide was detached from the swing set, it left a large metal bar that hung out over the end of the set. In my eight-year-old eyes, it was the perfect spot for doing flips. So that day, I was in the back yard, up on the top of the swing set, doing flips on the bar. I'd done it tons of times. My sister had seen me do it. My parents had seen me do it. No one seemed to have any concerns about the safety of it. But well, safety never really seemed to be a big concern in my household, in general.

So I'm flipping on the bar. Next thing I know, I'm caught on the bar. The bar is across my belly and I cannot seem to create enough momentum to thrust my legs to propel my body over the bar. This could be because second grade is around the time that I was starting to get fat. I'd been pretty average sized until this point, but something about second grade did not agree with me and I started packing on the pounds. So, I'm caught. I'd tried backing myself off but could not find the sidebar to step onto. I started screaming for help. Crying. Calling for my sister. But she didn't come. No one came. We lived in the country. Our closest neighbor was almost a half a mile away. I don't know why my sister didn't hear me, but there was no way she could see me. At the time, our 32 foot motorhome was parked between the house and the swing set, blocking the view from any of the windows on the backside of the house. 

Finally, after what felt like forever, my foot found the sidebar. I managed to pull myself back over the bar. Unfortunately my footing didn't hold and I came crashing down from the top of the swing set. One the way down, my face hit the side, right into a rusty screw, leaving a giant gash on my face.

I ran into the house screaming. My sister freaked out seeing all the blood. She called my mother and tried to relay to her what had happened but both of us were sobbing and my mom had no clue why. I think the experience might have been as traumatic for my sister as it was for me.

My mom came home from work, but for reasons unknown to me, she didn't take me to the hospital. Maybe we didn't have health insurance at the time. Maybe she was afraid someone would think she was neglectful. What I was told was that there was "nothing there to stitch". I remember my dad telling me that if the scar was really bad, they'd allow me to get plastic surgery some day and that to me sounded like the coolest thing ever. Even into adulthood I clung to the idea that I was getting it fixed.

Actually, the scar healed quite well considering the injury. For years after, it suck out from my face, was bright red, and was the first indication that I was going to have low self-esteem. I can remember sneaking into my mom's makeup and trying to put concealer on it. For years I would tilt my head to the right in photos as a way to lessen the view of it. 

Over the last year, something has happened to it. As my face has slimmed, the scar has almost moved down, now resting less on my cheek and more on my jaw, making it far less noticeable. Additionally, I've just stopped caring about it. People don't notice it that often, or if they do, they don't ask about it. From time to time I mention it to my boyfriend and he tells me that he's forgotten its even there. I've also realized that its just a scar on my face, it doesn't define me or even make me less attractive. 

It's just a scar. I have tons of other scars - on my legs, on my arms, one on my pinky finger from slicing it with a steak knife. Those other scars don't change how I think about myself, or pose in photos, or behave when someone asks about them. Why should this one? At this point, its more than 20 years old, its part of me. And its not a big deal. 

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today’s prompt: Share the story behind a scar.

Dear Brownie

Dear Brownie,

I can't eat you. You and I both know that. The gluten in you would reek havoc on my digestive systems for days. Yet here you are, out of the boxed lunch I received at my meeting and sitting on my desk, staring at me.

We both know that 10+ months ago, I would have eaten you. I would have let my lack of willpower, lack of self-esteem, lack of feeling worthy of feeling good (physically and mentally) allow me to devour you in three [or less] bites. I would have wanted you so badly that I would risk the pain and humiliation you would cause. Then, after you were gone, I would have beaten myself up profusely for my actions, telling myself what I lowly sack of crap I was for being so weak. 

Things have changed, Brownie. You no longer have me under a spell. You and your more attractive cousin Donut just don't do it for me anymore. Yes, I'm sure you are delicious, but you're just not that worth it. I don't need you to feel better anymore. That was a false feeling anyway. You and I are splitsville. 

Oh, you don't believe me? You think I can't leave you there on the desk and not give in to your temptations? Maybe you're right. Maybe I can't. Therefore, I'll take you to the kitchen where I'm sure you'll find your way into another's life before too long. 

Its not you, it's me. I'm a different person now. I want better for myself. I deserve better for myself. You're just not worth it.

#sorrynotsorry

I've got confidence...I bring out the best in me.

I have to tell you a secret. I have pretty low self-esteem. It's been this way basically all of my life. I never think I am good enough for anything, deserving or worthy. I'm constantly worried about disappointing people or not being good enough. I lack some serious confidence.

Now why is this a secret (or maybe its not)? It's a secret because I've always acted like I have a ton of confidence. I never let my low self-esteem hold me back from anything that I've wanted to do - pursing leadership positions, acting or being on sports teams, speaking in front of people. I've always followed the mantra of 'fake it til you make it'. But all the while, I have these nagging feelings that people judging me for one reason or another.

The good news? This faking-it-til-you-make-it thing is starting to work. I find my confidence growing each day and being proud of myself and my accomplishments. I no longer question every little thing I do or say or wonder if I've upset someone by stating my opinion. How did I get to this point?

I'd love to tell you its because of my weight loss. But really, being overweight was just a symptom of low self-esteem, it wasn't the cause. The cause is what I'm still trying to find out. But, losing 100 pounds certainly doesn't hurt. So how does one overcome low self-esteem? Here's what's been working for me.

Fake it Til You Make it
I'm serious about this. I know its terribly cliche, but it can work. Pretending you like yourself more than you really do can actually lead to you liking yourself. Now, there is a fine line in this process. You have to exude confidence and self-assurance without being arrogant or cocky. If you are too vocal about how awesome you are, people will see through it and know you're putting on an act. When I say fake it til you make it, I mean, don't let the lack of confidence hold you back from doing things which your heart says 'YES', but the small voice in your head says, 'don't you even think about it, you loser'. Step out of your comfort zone and seize the things you want - even if you don't think you are worthy of having them. Trust me, you are.

Accentuate the Positive
Instead of focusing on the negative attributes of you life, focus on the positive things. Stop saying things like, 'I should...' or 'if only I could have...' Yes, there are a million things you should be doing, but don't discount the things you are, in fact, doing. Stop dwelling on what has gone wrong, and remember the things that have gone right. Do you have a hard time seeing positive things in your life? Ask those around you. Don't worry, you're not fishing for compliments, you're just seeking reassurance. Speaking of compliments - start accepting them! Today! When someone compliments you, don't counterpoint with something that could have been better or what you should have done. Simply smile and say thank you.

Talk to Someone 
Get a therapist. For realz. Even if you don't think there is something behind why you feel so bad about yourself, trust me, there is. I used to commonly say, 'there's no reason for why I'm like this, I was hugged enough as a child'. Yes, all of that is true. But there is still 'stuff' that contributed to me frequently feeling like a big sack of suck. Here is something that I've learned in my 33 years on this planet. We. All. Have. Stuff. Every single one of us. No one is immune to stuff. What makes the difference, is how we handle our stuff. And seeking professional help is a fantastic way to do that.

Now, am I cured of having low self-esteem? Hell to the no. I do these things everyday - I fake it, I seek reassurance, I talk to my therapist [not everyday, but you know what I mean]. But the freedom I feel by not letting my lack of confidence shackle me, is AMAZING. And it has truly allowed me to genuinely feel better about myself. When I was part of the junior varsity cheerleading squad, we used to sing this song. I like it a lot. You'd sing the same verse five times, getting louder and louder each time, and by the end clapping your hands and yelling. It goes like this:

I've got confidence,
My team brings out the best in me.
No matter what the day might bring, 
I know my team believes in me...because

And then it would start again. Sometimes, I still sing this song to myself, replacing 'My team' with 'I', just as a reminder that I do have things to be happy about and I need to believe in myself. We all need to believe in ourselves a little more.

Tips if you're considering WLS

Now that I'm six months out from my gastric sleeve, I feel like I've got some perspective and tips I can share with anyone considering any sort of WLS.

Let me start by saying that It was by far the most difficult decision I've ever made. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of weighing the pros and cons to determine which surgery I should have, when I should have it and above all, IF I should have it. 

The first very important step - make sure you know if and what your insurance covers and requires for surgery; that is key. I didn't realize that mine had a six month medically monitored weight management period and I was devastated when I found out to the point of almost quitting right then (thank god I didn't!). You also need to know that it might not be a cake walk to get approved. I was denied the first time, not because I didn't meet the requirements, but simply because my insurance company didn't receive all my information and automatically said no. Do not allow them to shatter your hopes by doing this. Be your own advocate and always follow up - with insurance, with the doctor's office, etc. 

The next important step is to research the types of surgery - there are three main types - Gastric Sleeve (what I did), the Roux en Y (my sister and dad had this about ten years ago) and the Lap Band. There are pros and cons to each. For example, supposedly you don't lose as much of your excess weight with the sleeve (but I'm not worried about getting to goal) and it is a permanent, irreversible procedure. I chose it though because it doesn't have some of the eating restrictions that others have - I can eat basically anything I want, just in a much smaller portion. The Roux en Y has a higher percent of excess weight loss and is reversible (not sure why anyone would want to do that), but you experience awful sickness if you attempt to eat certain kinds of food. I don't know much about Lap Band, other than the fact that my doctor removed as many as he places. 

Once you choose a procedure, find a surgeon. I cannot express how important this is. Find a doctor's office that provides education and support before and after surgery. You need to know what to expect and you need guidance. My doctor's office provided an eight-week class before I could even submit to my insurance and my submission was contingent on passing this class. I worked with a nutritionist, a physiologist and a patient coordinator. Those people cared about me and wanted to seey succeed. And I truly believe I wouldn't be where I am without their education and support. 

Lastly, mentally prepare and know that no matter how much you do that, you won't be ready for the changes that are about to come. You will miss food terribly in the beginning. You will feel cheated that you can't eat like everyone else. You will get over these feelings. I promise. You will be fine. 

I can't express how this has changed every single aspect of my life for the better. I'm healthier and look better, for sure, but I'm also more motivated and genuinely happy about my life. I know I deserve things and I'm setting new goals to improve and advance my life. Things I never considered before. 

Please let me know if you have questions. I'm happy to share the good, bad and ugly. Connect with me if you'd like to chat offline. 

Six Month Update

Documenting is not my strong suite...I just realized I haven't updated this blog in three months...oops. But I'm back today to share an awesome milestone with all [3] of you.

Yesterday marked six months since my surgery. It also marked 100 pounds down from my highest weight ever on the scale. Crazy, right? I think it is. Take a look for yourself!

May 2013

March 2014

People are always asking me how I feel. Well, I feel amazing. I have more energy than I ever have in my life. I can do incredible things that I only imagined before. And shopping.....WHOA. I've always hated shopping. I'm a get in/get out kind of girl when it comes to clothing shopping. Well, turns out, I'm not. I just hated the clothes that were available for me. The lack of options, the lack of colors, all of it. In fact, I had to be convinced to try on the red dress above. I was outright refusing to consider it. I almost missed out on a FANTASTIC dress (that was super cheap too) because I have these pre-conceived notions about what I can and cannot pull off, fashion-wise. 

Some things are still a struggle. Staying away from sugar is hard. It's a trigger food for me. I find it difficult to have one mini recces cup. Running still sucks [but admittedly sucks less]. I'm on week two of Couch to 5K and definitely struggling. 

I still have 36 pounds to go. And I know those won't be easy. The speed of the weight loss has dramatically dropped off. My restriction is also lessened. I can eat about 1000 calories a day now, a far cry from the 500 I could do just a few weeks out. So, I really have to watch myself. I have to monitor my protein in take. I have to make sure I'm being active. It's not a cake walk, but then again, I knew all along it wouldn't be.

More than anything, I'm so happy. Yes, I still have weight to lose. Yes, I don't look so awesome naked. But I'm so happy with how I look. I'm so proud of myself and what I've accomplished. More than anything, I'm determined. Determined to get to where I want to be. Determined to stay there and not gain weight back once I get there. I'm determined to have a better life than I've ever had.   

Who's that girl....

Before I lost weight, I'd see pictures of myself and by shocked by how fat I was. I'd think, 'That's not how I really look'. My self-image was completely distorted. Well, I recently learned that it still is. Because of this...

This photo was taken of my co-workers and I last week. When I looked at it, first I thought, where am I....oh, holding the certificate. My next thought was, "That's not how I really look. I'm bigger than that.'

Here's the thing, pictures don't lie. They always tell the truth...ok, they tell the truth 75% of the time...thanks dating sites!

It's funny how my image of myself has changed...from not realizing how fat I was to not being able to see how much progress I've made. I'm glad I have pictures to remind me.

Tomorrow marks three months. I'm down a total 78.6 lbs. Last week was the first time I've seen the number on the scale start with a 1 in...well, maybe ever. At least 15 years. It was awesome and motivating.

Get up and give back

I'm a giving person...giving of myself to friends, giving of my time to causes I'm passionate about, etc. For the past year and into 2014, I've even devoting my spare time to serving as the president for the Indiana Junior Chamber. Jaycees are a group of young professionals committed to creating positive change in their communities. It's a fantastic organization striving to create sustainable change. /end shameless plug

So in 2014, I have set a goal. As I improve my physical health, I really want to run a 5K. Run the entire thing. Even if I only do it once. Even if all 3.1 miles are excruciating. I want to run one, just to say that I did it. 

Therefore, I'm going to find a 5K that supports a worthy cause, train and raise money, and then run it. 

So, if you have suggestions for your favorite 5K, please pass it along! I'm not tied to a particular cause, I just want to ensure I'm raising money for something that is making a positive impact within the Indianapils community. 

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: How do you want to get involved in your community in the coming year?

We all go a little mad sometimes...

For years I talked about seeing a therapist. How helpful it would be to deal with my self-esteem issues. How nice it would be to have an unbiased person to listen to me talk about me for an hour at a time.

But I couldn't make myself go. Why? Because it meant I was crazy. It meant I couldn't deal with my problems by myself. I meant I couldn't fix me. If I saw a therapist, I was weak. I was not superior enough to be able to treat my problems and make them go away. Or, on the flip side, it was admitting that I was worthy of being fixed. Of course, I fully encouraged those I cared about to seek help. "Everyone needs someone to talk to," I always said. Except me. Not me. Everyone but me.

This year I finally made the decision to talk to someone. Someone who could listen to me and help me sort out the "stuff" in my head. Plus, it was recommended by my bariatric surgeon's office prior to surgery.

So, I found a therapist and I went. We sat down for about 20 minutes the first time to get to know each other. From the beginning I didn't feel comfortable around him. He spoke softly and asked questions that offended me. I remember at the end of the session thinking, meh, this will work.

The next time I saw him, he asked me if I'd ever tried brain spotting. He explained that it was a method where I didn't have to think about anything, but let my body determine my mood. So, for the next hour, I stared at the end of a radio antenna and listened to soothing music. Every time a finger would move or I'd re-adjust in my chair, he'd say, "what are you thinking now?"

By the next session, anytime he asked this my brain would scream, 'I think this is ridiculous!' 'I think I want to talk!' 'I think you're an awful hippy quack!'

Needless to say, I didn't go back to see that therapist again. Instead I found someone else. Someone I actually talk to and listens to me and offers insight as to why I do and say the things I do. I'm not saying his methods aren't legitimate or that there aren't people who can greatly benefit from them, but they were not for me.

So, my wisest decision this year was seeing a therapist. It was deciding that seeking help didn't make me crazy, that I wasn't broken because I couldn't just 'get over it', and that I was worth bettering myself. It was also realizing what works for me and more importantly, what doesn't. And being brave enough to walk away from what isn't working.

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: What was the wisest decision you made this year? Who did it impact? Describe your decision-making process, discuss the results, or just share a little learned wisdom.

This-is-my-fourteen-year-old-girl-Taylor-Swiftesque-blog-post.....SORRY

A strange thing happened to me this year. A thing that completely changed me. A thing that rocked my entire universe to its core. What incredibly weird, unexpected, unique thing could this be?

I got a boyfriend.

I know what you're thinking...that's normal. People meet people all the time. People fall in love everyday. What's so strange about that? For starters, I haven't been in a relationship for nine years. Yeah, NINE. My last (and first) boyfriend was during my senior year of college. Yep, I didn't have an official, legitimate boyfriend until I was 22 (T Swizzle reference #1). In high school I pined for boys who either didn't know I was alive or thought I was A-MAH-ZING but shyed away from anything more than friends. (Apparently I didn't have gaydar in high school). I spent my 20s dating guys, but no one serious enough to call my boyfriend. So, when this happened, I was a little blindsided. I'd decided I was done with dating. No marriage, no kids, no happy ever after. And at 32 years old, I had accepted and made peace with it.

The second strange thing is that this wasn't some Prince Charming who swooped in at the Marsh self-checkout or a male that was selected for me based on an algorithm eHarmony patented. It was a guy I knew. A guy I'd already dated. A guy I had no interest in whatsoever. The Story of Us (TSwiz#2) is long and I'm not going to bore you with it, but the jest of it is - dated, broke up, stayed friends, got back together...with two years mixed in. Things happened to both of us...good things....bad things...we stood by each other no matter what. That's what friends do.

The third strange-ity is the speed at which this was happening. One day we were friends and hanging out and seeing movies and making dinner and the next we were deeply in love (gross) and moving in together and planning a future. It was weird yet totally normally. It was uncomfortable yet completely comfortable. It was flawed yet unquestionably perfect.

So there it is, the craziest thing that happened to me this year. It changed the entire game of my life. And I couldn't be happier about it.

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: Share the strangest experience of your year. Did you do something new or unexpected, see something out of the ordinary, or have a unique experience? What was so strange about it?

In 2014, I resolve to...

Today's Think Kit prompt challenged us take a poll. The topic was ours for the choosing. I asked people, via Facebook (of course), what their New Year's resolution would be for 2014. I didn't get an overwhelming response...a few people stated that they hadn't decided yet, one person said she was going to continue to work on stripping negativity from her life (I liked that one). One person stated he was going to start exercising more.

The reason I asked about resolutions is because I'm going to genuinely have to put some thought into mine this year. In the past, "Lose Weight", "Eat Healthy", "Exercise" have always been my old stand bys. I never actually thought about setting a resolution until December 31st...okay, January 2nd is more likely and because I didn't put much thought into its preparation, I didn't put a lot of thought into its execution either.

To choose a resolution that has to do with healthy living kind of feels like a cop out now. After making the decision to take control of my health once and for all and having Gastric Sleeve surgery in September, I know its something that I'm going to do. I don't have to resolve, aka solve the problem, because I already am actively solving it. I have this amazing tool that will help me lose weight. I'm already more than half way to my goal and its only been 11 weeks.

So, this year I'm going to spend some time putting thought and preparation into my resolutions. I'm going to select a few that I want to accomplish - maybe sticking to my budget (finally) and/or being a better girlfriend. I don't have to go with an old stand by anymore and I'm excited about that. I can think outside the box. I can attack my shortcomings and really set myself up to be successful resolutionist...yeah, I made that word up.

In 2014, I resolve to make and stick to New Year's resolutions.

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: Take a poll and share the results. Is there something you've been curious about? A decision you're struggling with? Ask the crowd, and report back on what the results might mean.

My Year in Photos

So it begins again...my attempt to devote 30 days to blogging. It's part of Think Kit, daily prompts to spur thought and creativity. 

Today I'm supposed to post photos that encapsulate my year. So, here we go.

My bestie came down from Michigan to help me celebrate my birthday and then we kicked off 2013 80s style. 

In March this happened. We were long time friends and after a few months of playing "I think I like you like that', we started dating. I'm completely stupid in love with him and cannot wait to see what our future holds. 

In June I took my first trip to Seattle, WA representing Indiana as the 83rd Junior Chamber President. I committed the past year if my life to being president, motivating eight Jaycee chapters throughout the state to create positive change in their communities and develop future leaders.

In August I celebrated 90 years with this guy, my only living grandparent. He's still got it going on and I'm honored to be able to spend quality time with him. 

This was my "last meal". On September 20, I underwent bariatric surgery, drastically reducing the size of my stomach. It was the hardest decision I've ever made and is already paying off. I feel fantastic and am healthier every day. 

This was one if my first meals post surgery. It's been battle the last 10 weeks to retrain my brain, but I'm learning every day how to appease my tiny tummy. 

Progress photo. I'm a long way from the end of this journey, but I'm definitely pleased with the progress I'm making!

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: Your Year in Photos

Eight Weeks Later

Today is officially two months since surgery. It feels like so much longer, yet I still feel like I'm learning and being challenged every single day. For example - yesterday I learned that I have a hard time eating food before it goes bad in the refrigerator. Earlier this week I learned that covering my plate with a napkin when I feel full keeps me from continuing to munch. Learning process.

But enough about that - let's see some progress!

April, 2013

November, 2013

June 2012

November 2013

Not the easy way out...

I've always had a hard time losing weight. I've had an even harder time keeping weight off. In other weight loss attempts, I'd work so hard for weeks on end - going to the gym every single day, restricting my calories, being a mega bia to EVERYONE because I was starving...and lose two pounds, only to go out with girlfriends for a cocktail or two and step on the scale the next morning and see that two pounds back on my body.

I guess I don't really know what made me think having a tiny tummy would make this process easier. I mean, eating less than 400 calories a day should give fat a reason to melt off your body, right? That's what I thought. However, I was wrong. In the first three weeks after surgery I lost 17 pounds. In the last three I've lost 4. Not exactly what I expected. In fact, my body was some variance of the same number - losing and gaining tenths of a pound - for 10 days. It was devastating me. Making me question everything I've done to get to the point of surgery and everything I've done thus far after. Even to the point where I was asking myself if it is impossible for me to lose weight at all.

So, once I gathered my wits and hopped off the crazy train, I did something: I put the scale away. Actually, my boyfriend hid it. Last Tuesday I told him I only want to see it on Friday mornings so I can weigh myself but then I don't want to see it again for a week. And so, Friday morning the scale was in the bathroom and I stepped on it....down one pound. Again, I was outraged....putting it out of my head was supposed to make it happen, right? Not caring about the number was key to making it move. Well, apparently not.

On Friday night, while on the stationary bike at the gym, I decided to make peace with my body. I'm going to do everything I can to make the right choices for it - eat healthy and work out. Those are the only two things I can control. I can't control the number on the scale. I can't control the size of my waist. All I can do is try my best to live a healthier life...every single day.

That being said, why did I even bother with the surgery? Why did I let them cut my guts out if I was just going to make the decision to do everything I can to be healthier and not obsess over the scale? I could have done those things without surgery, right? Yes, that's right. However, what this does limit is overeating....binging....two of my major faults. These scale woes have taught me how to deal with this anger without food. Simply because its not physically possible. Will it ever be possible for me to binge again? Certainly. But by the time it is, I will have different coping mechanisms in place.

I'm still happy with the decision I made and I am positive it will pay off in the long run...the very long run.

Two week Post-up Update

This time two weeks ago I was being admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure. Whole it wasn't part of my "plan", it ended up being for the best. It's taken me two weeks to see that, but now I do. If I had come home and had to deal with the vomiting and pain, I would have been even more miserable. At least by being in the hospital I was able to have nurses helping me every step of the way and people who could focus on taking care of me. Not to say that my at-home caretaker wasn't amazing. He was [and still is] ensuring that I am well provided for.

I went back to work this week...mostly because I had to, I didn't have very much vacation/sick time, but also because I wanted to. I was going stir crazy in the house. But, that being said, this week has definitely been a struggle. I've been so exhausted every day this week. It's been very difficult to stay until 5 pm each day. Yesterday when I got home I took a two-hour nap on the couch. I was worried it would hinder my evening sleep pattern, but at 11 o'clock I was out like a light.

As far as progress, it's been slow. I'm down a total of 14 lbs since surgery (I know, that's incredible), but this week has only been a loss of about 1.6 lb total. I'm sure its just my body freaking out about what's happened to it and trying to grasp how to function. It could also be that I'm in a bit of starvation mode...I'm only eating about 300 calories a day. To me, I still feel like I look like a weigh 50 lbs more than I do. I just don't see a difference...except in one area. My face. My face looks completely different than it did a few months ago, even a few weeks ago. It's crazy how much thinner it is in such a short amount of time. I'm excited about this and hope my chubby cheeks continue to decrease, but I'm really hoping to see some loss in other areas soon too. For now, I'll be happy with what I can get.

July

Today

Ending one chapter, starting a new one

It's over. After months and months of planning, preparing, wishing, hoping, etc., it's finally over...and at the same time, it's just beginning.

I had my Sleeve at 8:00 am on Friday, September 20. The entire process felt surreal. I was taken back to my room, changed, an IV was started and the next thing I knew they were wheeling me into surgery. Compared to what I'd built up in my head it almost seemed anti-climatic. I wish it would have just stayed that way...but it seems that nothing with this process has come easy, including this.

I woke up in recovery with lots of people in my room. All of them were talking at me and leaving and coming back again. Not fully aware of what was happening, only one sentence stood out in my mind: We're admitting you. Wait, what? No, I'm supposed to be admitted. I'm supposed to stay in the surgical center and go home tomorrow. That's the plan. That's what needs to happen.

Once I was more coherent, I learned that surgery went perfectly. However, in recovery my blood pressure spiked to 200/114. Thus the cause for admittance. However, once in the hospital room I began vomiting. I vomited for almost two days straight. Also, not part of my plan. It hurt so badly.

So there I was, in the hospital, hating myself for what I'd just done. Was this my new life? High blood pressure and vomiting? Was this what I'd chosen? Thankfully, it wasn't. By Sunday the vomiting had quit and my blood pressure seemed to be stabilized. They finally let me go home Monday.

Today marks 10 days post-surgery. I feel really good. I'm back at work and feel like my energy level is steadily increasing. I'm doing a much better job of drinking (the small sips in the beginning were incredibly difficult and often painful). I'm so thankful I have started this journey. I've already lost 13 lbs. Add this to the 37 lbs I lost in the pre-op process and I'm down a total of 50 lbs since May. I'm thrilled with this and can't wait to see where it goes from here.

Right now I'm on a liquid diet. I can have greek yogurt, sugar free pudding, chicken broth, v8, and jello. However, yesterday I started sneaking in some baby bell cheese for lunch. it's high in protein and as long as I chew it up real well, seems to agree with my baby tummy.

I still have a long way to go and many new things to try. I can't exercise (with the exception of walking) until this weekend and at this point do not know where I'd find the energy to do so. I'm excited for this process and what I'm going to learn along the way. I promise to keep you updated and post photos when applicable.

Everything is about to change

I said I was going to keep up with the blog. I said I was going to post about my journey. I was I was going to keep my readers (haha) updated on everything. I totally lied. I could give you a million excuses but frankly, I'm not going to. It is what it is.

That being said, surgery is on Friday. At 8:00 am I will be having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy at Community South Hospital. As you can see, they will be removing a large portion of my stomach (about 80%) and I will be left with a small sleeve, restricting my food intake immensely.

How much, you ask? Well, in the beginning, I'll only be able to eat 2 ounces at a time, mainly of protein. Once the Sleeve has fully healed, I'll only be able to eat about a cup of food at a time. My goal is to lose about 100 lbs (130 lbs from my starting weight in May).

I cannot tell you how unbelievably excited I am about having the procedure done. I feel like my weight is something I have battled my whole life and it has beat me time and time again. But this time, I plan to squash it. I've never felt more confident that this is the best decision I've ever made and that by using the sleeve as a tool, I'll be able to accomplish my weight loss and fitness goals, long term.

Please keep me in your thoughts on Friday. As soon as I'm feeling better I will post about the experience and how I'm feeling. I really want this blog to become a diary of my journey so I can continue to remember and appreciate it long after the weight is lost. I never want to forget how I felt before taking this step. How motivated I am, confident I am, and excited I am.

Let's do it!

What's a happenin!?

Alright devoted readers (all what, two of you?) - I know its been forever since I posted a blog and I apologize for that. Sometimes life gets crazy and things suffer. However, I'm back and refocused on what I'm going to devote my little patch of cyberspace to....but more on that later.

So, there's a man in my life, how exciting. Actually, he's been there for about three years, I just didn't realize that he was "the one". Ugh, I really hate that phrase, but it is the truth. He's the only person I want to spend forever with, talk about nothing with, experience life with. He's it.

We actually met three years ago when I was volunteering at a large event and he was working. We dated briefly in 2011, but called it quits due to what appeared to a be different moral code (ie politics and religion). However, we've remained friends and in the last few months have grown very close...to the point where one day I was all like, hey I think I'm in love with you and he was all like, hey, I was just going to say the same thing. Yeah, that's pretty much how it went down.

So, I'm super happy and in love and learning how to be in a relationship after nearly a decade. I'm even going to move in with him in October, a bitter sweet event. I'm excited to take the next step in our relationship, but sad to leave my apartment that I'm in love with and even sadder to move to what is quite possibly the most racistly named town in America (Whitestown, IN).

Now, on to the reason for the re-emergence of this blog - I'm having baratric surgery. It has been hands down the hardest decision I've ever made and the preparation I've undertaken thus far are some of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. As I type this right now, I'm eating a banana with a fork....A FORK!

However, I know its going to be the best decision of my life. Of course, it will not be without sacrifice and hardships, which I am ready to face head-on. Limiting the intake of your food is difficult. Dealing with the emotions associated with why you eat is tough. Listening to your body and being mindful of every bite that goes into your mouth is a nerving.

Going into this, I felt a little guilty. I felt a little ashamed. Why couldn't I do this on my own? Why couldn't I just eat healthy and exercise like a normal person? Why was I taking the easy way out. However, after the months I've spent preparing for this surgery (look for more posts on that) I can tell you that this will not be easy. It's going to take more work and more dedication than I've ever given anything. It's going to test my strength and sanity to its core. It's going to require me to examine every single part of my life and determine how I can make it better. It's going to be fucking hard.

But I'm ready. I'm excited. I'm motivated. This summer is going to be the summer that changes everything. Forever. And I promise to keep you all in the loop!

I'm a mean girl

Recently I said something very [unintentionally] hurtful about someone I care very much about. This comment got back to that person, and the fall out that ensued was devastating. And not because this person was upset with me. And not because I knew there was nothing I could say to make it right and undo the hurt I had caused....because it forced a horrible realization: I'm a Mean Girl.

I've probably said something hurtful and negative about every person I care about at one point or another. I can recall of several recent instances where this has occurred. The thing is, I didn't even realize I was doing it. That's just how I make conversation...or how I tell a story...or worse yet, how I make others feel better about themselves.

I feel awful. The amount of disgust and shame I feel over my behavior is monumental. The thing is, there's no good way to fix it. If I go to each person and first tell them what I said and then apologize for it, I run the risk of ruining a lot of really meaningful relationships. All I can do is stop. Not do it anymore. Be conscious of the things I say. Treat others the way I want to be treated.

So this is a blanket apology to anyone I have unintentionally hurt with my words, whether you know it or not. I'm so sorry it happened and I am going to do my very best to ensure it never happens again. It is not the person I want to be and not the person I want to be viewed as.

I decided that in 2013 I wasn't going to make any resolutions, but rather focus on only doing things that make me happier. I've changed my mind. In 2013 I resolve to not talk negatively about anyone  when they are not able to defend themselves.

"I'm trying this new thing where I don't talk about people behind their back." ~Cady, Mean Girls

Think Kit Day 20 - My 2012 VIP

It's sad to think of the number of people who's strongest impact happened after they left this earth...Vincent van Gogh, Emily Dickenson, Edger Allen Poe, Tupac. It took their deaths for many people to realize the difference they made in life.

I'm sad to admit that this is also the case for a woman by the name of Louise Adams Dunckel...or as I liked to call her, Gramma.

My Gramma was a unique combination of southern bell and bombshell vixen. Beginning in the seventh grade and up until she left us, she was a platinum blonde and was sure to inform all females who came into contact with her of the benefits of being one. Her red lipstick was never far away, and like any classy lady, she was sure to reapply several times a day. One of her favorite phases was "oh, heavens yes!" and once in reference to a boy I was acquainted with, she told me that "he was the kind of boy who she'd let put his shoes under her bed."

My Gramma never forgot your birthday and always sent a card. In later years, these were homemade cards that she printed on the computer so she could personalize them to each family member and friend she was sending it to. She loved Christmas and always started shopping for the following Christmas shortly after it was celebrated. In looking around my apartment, her creative sense of gift-giving can be seen everywhere, from the 'Noelle's Kitchen' crock that holds the ladles and spatulas that I never use, to Babe, a ceramic pig that sits close to my entry and protects me from intruders.

On June 3, in the early hours of the morning, my Gramma passed away. Unexpectedly. At her funeral, the church was packed, and virtually every person in attendance donned her favorite color - RED. Gramma liked red. Red, red, red. It was apparent the number of lives she touched in her life, but I had idea the impact she would have in death. I still miss her terribly and am fearful that I will not make it through Christmas without shedding buckets of tears. Losing her has changed the entire dynamic of my family, almost as if she was glue holding us all together.

I regret so much in terms of my relationship with this woman. I regret that I didn't call her as often as I should have. I regret that mocking manner I used when describing her to my friends. I regret that I took her being there for granted. Most of all, I regret that I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before she left us.

I love you Gramma. I always have and I always will. I miss you and I wish you were still here. I wish you could fix us.


This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: Who made a difference for you this year?

Think Kit Day 11 - Measurement

I try not to think about how much time I spend doing anything in particular. Mostly because I believe I'd start to second guess my actions or the amount of time I spend obsessing on any one thing. However, I wanted to examine how I would like to spend my time (ideally) in 2013. Visiting friends, working, treating myself (as in #treatyoself). I came up with the following chart and am hoping I can stay close to this matrix of responsibility next year.

Clearly, my largest priority will be work. It's where I'll spend the majority of time and since its affords me the ability to do pretty much everything else on the list, is what will have the majority of my attention. A close second will be the Indiana Junior Chamber. Serving as State President, I plan to do a lot of traveling, connecting with members throughout Indiana and motivating them to make their chapters impactful in their communities.

Following those two major focuses, comes my health. I have big plans for myself in 2013, and if all goes according to plan there will be some MAJOR changes in terms of my health. And by major, I mean AWESOME. Devotion to friends and family are relatively the same, however since my family isn't local, I will have more opportunities to spend time with friends and will just have to make the time I do have with my family count.

The last three areas go hand-in-hand. Personal growth will include leadership trainings, self- discoveries, reading books that enrich my life, anything that will be solely focused on making my life better. Treating myself can be anything from getting a pedicure, to shopping and dining out. The last aspect, and probably one that I currently spend WAY too much time on, is leisure. This includes watching TV, facebooking, etc. I anticipate that with everything else going on, I probably won't have too much time for these activities and will need to force myself not to procrastinate, thus filling my time with these activities.

This post is part of Think Kit by SmallBox
Today's prompt: Draw a pie chart or Venn diagram of your year, possible activities: eating, drinking, sleeping, working, playing.