It's almost two weeks since Josh and I broke up, but its been crazy with work and my grandmother passing away and I still didn't really have closure, so I hadn't blogged about it. But now I'm ready to lay it all out there.
If you've been reading my blog, you know that I was struggling with his work schedule. I was trying so very hard to be patient, but it was just getting ridiculous. He canceled plans four times in a matter of weeks because he couldn't leave work. I got to the point that I just stopped asking to hang out.
So, the weekend of the Indy 500, he was spending all weekend at the track. I mean, really spending the weekend there...camping. I knew it meant very little communication, which was fine because I had plans of my own with the bachelorette party and shower. There were sporadic texts, usually initiated by me, and one call from him on Saturday night where he was breaking up real bad and just kept telling me over and over again that he was going to sleep...um, ok?
So Sunday afternoon, about 4 p.m., I texted him to ask how he was feeling and how the race was and he responded that he was tired and never going to spend so many days at the track again. He also said that everyone was too tired and drunk so they were just going to drive home the following day. I told him I'd be home in two hours and would be happy to come pick him up but he responded that while he appreciated the offer he was going to pass. So, wait...you've been at the track since THURSDAY and you're telling me that you don't want to go home and sleep in a real bed? Or pass up the chance to see your girlfriend whom you're supposedly "falling for" and haven't seen in about two weeks? Needless to say, I was pretty pissed off. In fact, I was so upset that I woke up in the middle of the night fretting and crying over the situation and decided to text him to request that we talk about things. Had his feelings changed? Could I continue to do this?
The following morning he texted me back with all these excuses about not having enough phone chargers at the track and that his phone was dead most the weekend and his feelings had not changed. I texted him and asked that he call me once he was home and rested. That was probably about 10 a.m. At 2:30 I still hadn't heard from him so I called him. He didn't answer.
He didn't call all night. He didn't text. Nothing. Not a peep. To say I was livid would be an understatement. Finally about 8:30 a.m. on Tuesday my phone rang. He explained (vaguely) that he'd had a "bomb" dropped on him the previous day that sent him into a panic attack and eventually sent him to the stress center for the night (I still have no idea what the eff that is). He said he couldn't tell me what was going on right then but he'd call me later and it didn't have anything to do with him and I. OOOOOkay. Like that didn't send me into a hizzy when we hung up. I was imagining all sorts of things it could be and was sure I was imagining the worst possible scenarios and I needed answers.
I asked him via text to give me some answers and that what he was doing wasn't fair. So he called me back and informed me that about seven weeks before he met me he'd had a one night stand with some chick and she'd called him the previous day to inform him that she was pregnant and wanted money for an abortion. I had no idea what to say. I couldn't be upset about the one night stand, it was before me, it happens, I get that. But what could be upset about was that he lied to me. He told me it had been eight months since he'd been with anyone. In fact, he used that as a way to guilt me into being with him, "its been so long"...blech. When I informed him that I was mad that he lied to me, his response was, "I have bigger things on my plate to worry about right now than whether or not I lied to you."
We hung up quickly after that I didn't hear from him for seven days. Nothing. Not a peep. In my mind, I was done and didn't care if I ever heard from him again. I felt incredibly manipulated and taken advantage of. I started questioning everything he'd told me and realizing that some of the things he said just really didn't add up. Things that I'd told myself were not a big deal and I should look past suddenly seemed to matter and I realized that I'd been forcing myself to have feelings for this guy. I'd been telling myself that even though I didn't feel the way he felt about me, maybe I could over time and I should just wait it out. Maybe I eventually wouldn't see him as a consolation prize to what I really wanted.
So, he texted me this past Tuesday. He apologized for what he'd did and that he knew he was in the wrong to not be honest with me. He said he hoped I was well and wished me luck in the future. Now, I might be blonde, but I'm not stupid. I knew exactly what he was doing. Playing the "I know you're not interested" card to get me to be like, "it's ok, I forgive you, I'm sorry too. Let's live happily ever after!" No way that was happening. I responded and said, "I appreciate you apology. Good luck to you as well." Of course he then asked if there was no interest in working it out. I said I didn't think so because I was now questioning every single thing he told me and realizing that things really didn't add up. He informed me that I had major trust issues and he realized he contributed to that. I said, yes, I do. I believe I was up front about that in the beginning, just like everything else.
I didn't hear from him for two days. On Thursday, the day of my grandma's funeral, I was feeling vulnerable and sent him a text telling him so. He called me and we talked for awhile...well, he talked...one more thing I noticed, he did the majority of the talking in our conversations. He admitted that we jumped into things too quickly and didn't take the opportunity to get to know each other. Um, hello, didn't I say that in the beginning?!? Before we hung up he said he would text me the next day to see how I was doing. But today is Sunday and I have still yet to receive such a text.
I just don't understand how this keeps happening to me? How do I continue to meet these manipulative, untruthful, disrespectful men? Is it something I do? Is it the way I present myself? Is it because I'm fat? I don't know why it never changes, but its incredibly frustrating and disheartning. I'm torn between not wanting to go through shit time and time again and not wanting to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't deserve this. And if you know me, you know I rarely say things like that. But really, I do not deserve to treated like this over and over. It's bull shit.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
I'm outdoorsy...I like getting drunk on patios.
It was more than just sharing our silly stories over alcoholic beverages. It was bonding time. It was weaving us together so tightly that even the changes our lives took over the next few years could not tear us apart.
For me at the time, it was the opportunity to be the entertainer, which I've always done as a way to make people like me. Tell them a funny story and make them laugh. Then they'll think you're funny and want to keep you around. Back then I was making bad decisions...a lot of them. Decksitting was the time that I'd entertain my friends with a story of the latest booty call or creeper encounter at the bar. My indiscretions made for great stories and I was more than willing to oblige.
Then I went to Michigan. Surely I thought that awesome stage of our lives was over. Soon after Regina went to California, therefore removing the key element we needed for decksitting out of the equation - the deck. Andrea got married. Lydia took a seven month road trip. Lauren moved north to Anderson to pursue her dreams of being a librarian. Carrie became a nurse and went to Houston, and I came back to Indy.
Yesterday was a rare opportunity...all six of us got to indulge in a little decksitting. With Regina in from Cali for her wedding shower, and Carrie visiting from Houston, its the first time we've all been together in over a year, and is potentially the last time we will be together for even longer. Yesterday our deck was Andrea's living room and while we were still drinking and talking boys, much of our focus was placed on the two little ladies that entered our circle last fall - Andrea's daughter Olivia and Carrie's baby girl Amelia. I sat on the floor, watching Regina dancing with Olivia and Lydia snapping photos of Amelia like she was the paparazzi and I realized that decksitting was never about being on a deck. It was never about the drinks or the stories. It was about the people. These five ladies have shaped who I am. They are beautiful representations of unconditional love an friendship. Even now that we're separated by thousands of miles, our bond is still as strong as it was all those years ago. It's truly amazing. I feel incredibly blessed to be friends with these girls. They are my rocks and inspiration.
I can't wait to decksit with them in our nursing home someday.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Patience is not my virtue
These past few weeks have been a test in patience...and while I think I'm passing, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. The boyfriend has been working...CONSTANTLY. I mean, from 8 am to 9, 10, sometimes 11 pm every single day. In fact, in the past three weeks, I've seen him for a total of one and a half hours. Don't get me wrong, I know the relationship is new and I'm not expecting to spend every waking minute with this guy, but seriously?
It's not his fault. He has an awful job. I get it. But the part of me that needs attention isn't so understanding. She is angry and resentful and totally ready to walk away. Last night I had a nice conversation with my friend Katie who has been dating a guy for about seven months who also works all the time and she had some insight that made me feel better. She said that in a good relationship, you should want to spend a lot of time together, but you shouldn't need to. A good relationship should withstand time apart and still be healthy. It makes sense. And while it's still new, I feel like this is a good relationship. So, I'm going to practice my patience and try not to complain (it makes him feel guilty) and be grateful that there is someone who wants to be with me.
In other news, I suck at life. Okay, that's a little dramatic, but, well, have you met me? I can't even tell you how much weight I've gained because well, frankly I'm scared to get on the scale. But its a lot. I worked so hard for so long to lose that 64 lbs and now I'm throwing it away. And what's worse, I don't even care. I don't make any effort to watch what I eat...yesterday it was TBCY (not yogurt, birthday cake ice cream), the day before that it was bagels (although gluten-free so that's at least something), earlier this week - two McDonald's McDoubles (not so gluten-free). It's ridiculous. And I can't bring myself to go to the gym.
I need a wake-up call. Shit, I need someone to slap the hell out of me and tell me to get my ass in gear. Do you think Jillian Michaels is available to come to Indy and do that for me for awhile? Free of charge, of course. I'm so angry with myself, but for some reason, instead of making that anger productive by going to the gym and doing something to make myself proud, I'm punishing myself by eating more. I feel like I can't stop.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer post, I just needed to get stuff off my chest. Hopefully putting it out there will be the therapeutic push I need to clear my conscience and have an amazing weekend with my most favorite people on Earth who are flying in from all parts of the country. That, I can get excited about!
Thanks for reading.
It's not his fault. He has an awful job. I get it. But the part of me that needs attention isn't so understanding. She is angry and resentful and totally ready to walk away. Last night I had a nice conversation with my friend Katie who has been dating a guy for about seven months who also works all the time and she had some insight that made me feel better. She said that in a good relationship, you should want to spend a lot of time together, but you shouldn't need to. A good relationship should withstand time apart and still be healthy. It makes sense. And while it's still new, I feel like this is a good relationship. So, I'm going to practice my patience and try not to complain (it makes him feel guilty) and be grateful that there is someone who wants to be with me.
In other news, I suck at life. Okay, that's a little dramatic, but, well, have you met me? I can't even tell you how much weight I've gained because well, frankly I'm scared to get on the scale. But its a lot. I worked so hard for so long to lose that 64 lbs and now I'm throwing it away. And what's worse, I don't even care. I don't make any effort to watch what I eat...yesterday it was TBCY (not yogurt, birthday cake ice cream), the day before that it was bagels (although gluten-free so that's at least something), earlier this week - two McDonald's McDoubles (not so gluten-free). It's ridiculous. And I can't bring myself to go to the gym.
I need a wake-up call. Shit, I need someone to slap the hell out of me and tell me to get my ass in gear. Do you think Jillian Michaels is available to come to Indy and do that for me for awhile? Free of charge, of course. I'm so angry with myself, but for some reason, instead of making that anger productive by going to the gym and doing something to make myself proud, I'm punishing myself by eating more. I feel like I can't stop.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer post, I just needed to get stuff off my chest. Hopefully putting it out there will be the therapeutic push I need to clear my conscience and have an amazing weekend with my most favorite people on Earth who are flying in from all parts of the country. That, I can get excited about!
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Confederate Flag Belt Buckle...DRINK!
This weekend was the annual Springtime Festival in the Laingsburg (The LBG), where I grew up. Springtime Festival is many things to many people - to the town elders, its an opportunity to show the pride for the city they grew up in, for youth, its all about the carnival...which rides you'll go on, how much disgusting carnival food you can consume, and perhaps most important, who your carnival boyfriend or girlfriend will be.
For me, the Springtime Festival is an opportunity to Come Home. Don't get me wrong, I visit my family several times a year - I stay at my parents house, I reconnect with high school friends, and I spend the weekend in the LBG, but Mother's Day Weekend is the only time I truly Come Home. By this, I mean, I allow myself to go back to the person I was when I lived there and attended school, for better or worse. I go to the bar, knowing I'll see people I went to school with leaning toward one another and whispering about me. The old insecurities flood back. I always feel like people will be surprised to see me drinking alcohol, given what a goodie-two-shoes I was back in the day. I feel the need to mention my boyfriend in every other sentence, more of way of saying "yeah, there's someone who wants to be with me...are you shocked?" I revert to my teenage self in many ways.
This year, it turned into another opportunity - sisterly bonding. Now, as I've mentioned several times before, my sister and I are about as close as two siblings can be. Despite our four-and-a-half-year age difference, we are best friends and share everything. We are very different, yet VERY similar. One trait we definitely share is our cattiness. Which brings me to my story.
We were at a bar that's so appropriately named "The Burg" [lame]. To be honest, it was kind of boring. There were people slowly filtering in, but none that we particularly recognized and/or cared to talk to. I mentioned that we should have created LBG Bingo...and every time we saw something cliche that you'd only see in the spectacular fashion of our hometown, you'd mark if off. My sister, in her infinite wisdom and glory, took it a step further and introduced the idea of the LBG Drinking Game. Same premises as bingo, but when you saw something cliche, you simply drink. The rest of the night sounded something like this:
"Chick in cameo pants...DRINK"
"Dude wearing a Laingstucky shirt...DRINK"
"Guy in a cut off jean jacket with an American flag on the back...DRINK"
"Walmart Wolverine...DRINK"
We even introduced the game to the couple sitting behind us, a guy who was a freshman when I was a senior and his fiance, whom I didn't recognize but am sure is an LBG girl...probably was a freshman when he was a senior. I was holding out for seeing someone walk in sporting their varsity jacket from 1983. I am still crushed that it did not happen.
Aside from that, the night was pretty uneventful, unless you count the nasty, drunk guy from my sister's class who kept insisting that I show him my boobs (which I don't, because that kind of stuff happens to me all the time).
It was a good weekend. But I'm happy to be back in the Circle City and happy back to the life I've created here and a person that I am comfortable being. Going home is always good, but coming back is much better.
For me, the Springtime Festival is an opportunity to Come Home. Don't get me wrong, I visit my family several times a year - I stay at my parents house, I reconnect with high school friends, and I spend the weekend in the LBG, but Mother's Day Weekend is the only time I truly Come Home. By this, I mean, I allow myself to go back to the person I was when I lived there and attended school, for better or worse. I go to the bar, knowing I'll see people I went to school with leaning toward one another and whispering about me. The old insecurities flood back. I always feel like people will be surprised to see me drinking alcohol, given what a goodie-two-shoes I was back in the day. I feel the need to mention my boyfriend in every other sentence, more of way of saying "yeah, there's someone who wants to be with me...are you shocked?" I revert to my teenage self in many ways.
This year, it turned into another opportunity - sisterly bonding. Now, as I've mentioned several times before, my sister and I are about as close as two siblings can be. Despite our four-and-a-half-year age difference, we are best friends and share everything. We are very different, yet VERY similar. One trait we definitely share is our cattiness. Which brings me to my story.
We were at a bar that's so appropriately named "The Burg" [lame]. To be honest, it was kind of boring. There were people slowly filtering in, but none that we particularly recognized and/or cared to talk to. I mentioned that we should have created LBG Bingo...and every time we saw something cliche that you'd only see in the spectacular fashion of our hometown, you'd mark if off. My sister, in her infinite wisdom and glory, took it a step further and introduced the idea of the LBG Drinking Game. Same premises as bingo, but when you saw something cliche, you simply drink. The rest of the night sounded something like this:
"Chick in cameo pants...DRINK"
"Dude wearing a Laingstucky shirt...DRINK"
"Guy in a cut off jean jacket with an American flag on the back...DRINK"
"Walmart Wolverine...DRINK"
We even introduced the game to the couple sitting behind us, a guy who was a freshman when I was a senior and his fiance, whom I didn't recognize but am sure is an LBG girl...probably was a freshman when he was a senior. I was holding out for seeing someone walk in sporting their varsity jacket from 1983. I am still crushed that it did not happen.
Aside from that, the night was pretty uneventful, unless you count the nasty, drunk guy from my sister's class who kept insisting that I show him my boobs (which I don't, because that kind of stuff happens to me all the time).
It was a good weekend. But I'm happy to be back in the Circle City and happy back to the life I've created here and a person that I am comfortable being. Going home is always good, but coming back is much better.
Monday, April 30, 2012
It's been eight years since I could say this...
I have a boyfriend.
Josh and I made it "official" on Friday night. It was pretty low-key. He said, "so when do I get to be your boyfriend?" And I replied, "Now, I suppose."
I mean, I know that's really quick. But why not? I'm not interested in dating anyone else; he's not interested in dating anyone else. We both disabled the accounts for the website where we met. So...why not just go for it? Don't get me wrong, I'm STILL overwhelmed by how fast things are moving and how open he is with his feelings for me, but its seems to be the general consensus of all of my friends to just go with the flow and not over analyze it. However, I did put some of my apprehensions out there, basically saying to him, you don't know me very well yet, I'm afraid that you've built me up in your head to be someone that I'm really not, and when you discover that, you're going to be sorely disappointed. He replied that he doesn't think that's true, that from the time we've spent together and the time we've spent talking that he really thinks I'm amazing and he has no preconceived notions and that he just has a feeling about me. He's said that a lot...he has a feeling about me. I am a huge believer in intuition and following your gut, so I can't really argue with that logic.
I keep forgetting to take a photo of us when we're together, but I will soon and I'll post it so people know I'm not making him up. Its true...there is a boy on this planet who actually likes me. Alert the media.
Happy Monday!
Josh and I made it "official" on Friday night. It was pretty low-key. He said, "so when do I get to be your boyfriend?" And I replied, "Now, I suppose."
I mean, I know that's really quick. But why not? I'm not interested in dating anyone else; he's not interested in dating anyone else. We both disabled the accounts for the website where we met. So...why not just go for it? Don't get me wrong, I'm STILL overwhelmed by how fast things are moving and how open he is with his feelings for me, but its seems to be the general consensus of all of my friends to just go with the flow and not over analyze it. However, I did put some of my apprehensions out there, basically saying to him, you don't know me very well yet, I'm afraid that you've built me up in your head to be someone that I'm really not, and when you discover that, you're going to be sorely disappointed. He replied that he doesn't think that's true, that from the time we've spent together and the time we've spent talking that he really thinks I'm amazing and he has no preconceived notions and that he just has a feeling about me. He's said that a lot...he has a feeling about me. I am a huge believer in intuition and following your gut, so I can't really argue with that logic.
I keep forgetting to take a photo of us when we're together, but I will soon and I'll post it so people know I'm not making him up. Its true...there is a boy on this planet who actually likes me. Alert the media.
Happy Monday!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Weekend Recap - The Date.
I know it's Tuesday afternoon and a little late to being a recap of the weekend, but I guess better late than never. This might be sort of a long post and I apologize in advance, but I have a lot on my mind and need to get it out. I've found that this blog seems to be a good place to do that...mostly because I'm pretty sure barely anyone at all reads it.
Let me start off by recapping the weekend. It was a busy one, but also a great one, so I'm not complaining one bit.
On Friday night I went with a few of my favorite girls to see My Yellow Rickshaw, a cover band that we discovered while hanging out at the Claddagh on St. Patrick's Day. This band has a fiddler (I know, how cool) who used to be in an Irish band that we enjoyed and so it makes seeing this band even more fun, because for one thing he's awesome and for another he's hot. Unfortunately, as I've recently discovered, I'm too old to go out on Friday nights anymore and was ready to curl up and turn into a pumpkin at 11:30. Lame, I know.
On Saturday I traveled up to Ft. Wayne to meet my sister, brother-in-law, and a few of my sister's friends and their families for a day at the zoo. There were seven adults and seven children, the seven children belonged to two families, were all under the age of eight, and were all boys. It was an interesting day. But the zoo always promises good people watching and Saturday was no exception. I think my favorite sighting was that of a very overweight seven year old (estimate) girl trying to position herself into a red wagon to enjoy her large plate of fries and large drink that I am guessing was not water.
I had a great time with my sister. It's so nice to be able to do these types of things with her after the year of hell she had. For those of you who don't know, my older sister suffers from an autoimmune disease called Scleroderma. Her form is systemic and affects her intestines, so she has lots of gastrointestinal problems and has spent many agonizing days (sometimes weeks) in hospitals trying to figure out how to best treat it. The medication she's on now, along with a restricted diet seems to be doing wonders as she has not had a hospital stay in almost six months and in March had her IV port removed from her chest. Yesterday she had numerous appointments at UM and we were all relieved to hear that the disease has not spread to any of her other vital organs like her lungs and heart. I'm so thankful to have her, and have her in good health and finally feel like we are moving in the right direction in terms of her treatment.
I left the zoo around 4 o'clock (sadly missing the kangaroos) to come back to Indy and babysit for my good friends Jen and Tom. They had Gavin back in December and like most new parents, don't have the opportunity to go out just the two of them often, so I offered to watch G while they played trivia on Saturday night. I got there around 6 and from probably 6:30 - 8:30 he snoozed in his swing. When he seemed to be waking up, I fed him and played with him a little and by 9:15 or so he fell back asleep for the rest of the evening. It was pretty much the easiest babysitting gig I've ever had.
On Sunday I had a JCI Indy planning meeting and we were able to establish some direction for the remainder of the year, even though there were only four of us who showed up. I'm feel more confident about having this direction, but am still extremely disappointed with the lack of commitment I'm seeing from others on the board.
Sunday evening was my big date. Before I go into the date, I guess I should give a little background on the guy (whom I've yet to create a name...maybe I'll let Erin do that). I met him through OKCupid, a free dating site that I've been on and off for a few years, mostly off because of the lack of quality of guy I keep going out on dates with.They always seem to really only be looking for one thing and not really thinking long-term. But knowing two people who have found love on that site, I keep holding out hope that eventually a good one will come along...and that's maybe happened.
This guy messaged me last Monday, introduced himself and made intelligent conversation in the first message...more than I can say for many of the guys who have contacted me. We messaged back and forth the rest of the day and then he asked if he could call me. He seemed to meet all the criteria for being talk-worthy - complete sentences, proper grammar, a general interest in me - so I said yes.
We talked on the phone basically every night last week. He's 34, has never been married, has no kids and has a job at a lab on the NW side. His parents own a bar in Carmel and he's very close to his family, which is very important to me. He's been very direct in the fact that he's looking to meet the right person, settle down, get married, and live happily ever after. However, he has yet to mention where kids fit into that equation and I haven't brought it up either, since in the past my general stance has been, ew.
So we went out Sunday night and had a really good time. He's very funny, much cuter than his photos, and very attentive. He remembered many of the things I told him and made it very clear that he's interested in me. VERY. CLEAR.
Which brings me to my reservation. It's been a week. He's very into me. Telling me that he hopes he can eventually be my boyfriend and that he's thinks I'm amazing and I'm everything he's been looking for and that he believes in fate and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm as invested as he at the moment and frankly his openness about how he feels about me is FREAKING ME THE EFF OUT. Now, maybe I'm just being silly because I'm not used to being treated so well by a guy, but I'm really getting nervous. I'd love to keep seeing him and see where it goes, but I think I need him to back off a little. Last night I had a minor freak out and told him that I'm prone to put up walls with guys and if he didn't think he could handle that than I'd totally understand if he wanted to walk away. You'd think I'd just ended a 10 marriage with him. He was completely worried that I was ending it and didn't understand why I would say something along those lines, not blaming him if he wanted to walk away.
In hindsight, I'm wondering if I was trying to sabotage it. I have this preconceived notion that I'll always be alone and that I'm not good enough for this reason or that reason. Maybe the way this guy is treating me is EXACTLY how I am supposed to be treated and I'm just too damaged to see it? I don't know. We're going to a baseball game tonight, so I'm hoping that hanging out with him again will remind me of how much I enjoy his company and how attracted I am to him.
Deep down, I want to be with someone. I want to have a life-long relationship. I want it more than anything. Now its potentially staring me in the face and I'm backing away from it? Am I really that messed up or is this guy coming on too strong?
Let me start off by recapping the weekend. It was a busy one, but also a great one, so I'm not complaining one bit.
On Friday night I went with a few of my favorite girls to see My Yellow Rickshaw, a cover band that we discovered while hanging out at the Claddagh on St. Patrick's Day. This band has a fiddler (I know, how cool) who used to be in an Irish band that we enjoyed and so it makes seeing this band even more fun, because for one thing he's awesome and for another he's hot. Unfortunately, as I've recently discovered, I'm too old to go out on Friday nights anymore and was ready to curl up and turn into a pumpkin at 11:30. Lame, I know.
On Saturday I traveled up to Ft. Wayne to meet my sister, brother-in-law, and a few of my sister's friends and their families for a day at the zoo. There were seven adults and seven children, the seven children belonged to two families, were all under the age of eight, and were all boys. It was an interesting day. But the zoo always promises good people watching and Saturday was no exception. I think my favorite sighting was that of a very overweight seven year old (estimate) girl trying to position herself into a red wagon to enjoy her large plate of fries and large drink that I am guessing was not water.
I left the zoo around 4 o'clock (sadly missing the kangaroos) to come back to Indy and babysit for my good friends Jen and Tom. They had Gavin back in December and like most new parents, don't have the opportunity to go out just the two of them often, so I offered to watch G while they played trivia on Saturday night. I got there around 6 and from probably 6:30 - 8:30 he snoozed in his swing. When he seemed to be waking up, I fed him and played with him a little and by 9:15 or so he fell back asleep for the rest of the evening. It was pretty much the easiest babysitting gig I've ever had.
On Sunday I had a JCI Indy planning meeting and we were able to establish some direction for the remainder of the year, even though there were only four of us who showed up. I'm feel more confident about having this direction, but am still extremely disappointed with the lack of commitment I'm seeing from others on the board.
Sunday evening was my big date. Before I go into the date, I guess I should give a little background on the guy (whom I've yet to create a name...maybe I'll let Erin do that). I met him through OKCupid, a free dating site that I've been on and off for a few years, mostly off because of the lack of quality of guy I keep going out on dates with.They always seem to really only be looking for one thing and not really thinking long-term. But knowing two people who have found love on that site, I keep holding out hope that eventually a good one will come along...and that's maybe happened.
This guy messaged me last Monday, introduced himself and made intelligent conversation in the first message...more than I can say for many of the guys who have contacted me. We messaged back and forth the rest of the day and then he asked if he could call me. He seemed to meet all the criteria for being talk-worthy - complete sentences, proper grammar, a general interest in me - so I said yes.
We talked on the phone basically every night last week. He's 34, has never been married, has no kids and has a job at a lab on the NW side. His parents own a bar in Carmel and he's very close to his family, which is very important to me. He's been very direct in the fact that he's looking to meet the right person, settle down, get married, and live happily ever after. However, he has yet to mention where kids fit into that equation and I haven't brought it up either, since in the past my general stance has been, ew.
So we went out Sunday night and had a really good time. He's very funny, much cuter than his photos, and very attentive. He remembered many of the things I told him and made it very clear that he's interested in me. VERY. CLEAR.
Which brings me to my reservation. It's been a week. He's very into me. Telling me that he hopes he can eventually be my boyfriend and that he's thinks I'm amazing and I'm everything he's been looking for and that he believes in fate and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a great guy, but I'm not sure I'm as invested as he at the moment and frankly his openness about how he feels about me is FREAKING ME THE EFF OUT. Now, maybe I'm just being silly because I'm not used to being treated so well by a guy, but I'm really getting nervous. I'd love to keep seeing him and see where it goes, but I think I need him to back off a little. Last night I had a minor freak out and told him that I'm prone to put up walls with guys and if he didn't think he could handle that than I'd totally understand if he wanted to walk away. You'd think I'd just ended a 10 marriage with him. He was completely worried that I was ending it and didn't understand why I would say something along those lines, not blaming him if he wanted to walk away.
In hindsight, I'm wondering if I was trying to sabotage it. I have this preconceived notion that I'll always be alone and that I'm not good enough for this reason or that reason. Maybe the way this guy is treating me is EXACTLY how I am supposed to be treated and I'm just too damaged to see it? I don't know. We're going to a baseball game tonight, so I'm hoping that hanging out with him again will remind me of how much I enjoy his company and how attracted I am to him.
Deep down, I want to be with someone. I want to have a life-long relationship. I want it more than anything. Now its potentially staring me in the face and I'm backing away from it? Am I really that messed up or is this guy coming on too strong?
Friday, April 20, 2012
5QF - 4/20
So again, I'm taking this idea from Erin, which I seem to be doing with a lot of things these days. But it's Friday, so I thought I'd do a fun little light-hearted post with some questions. Monday I'll have a recap of my fun-filled weekend, complete with a band, the zoo, babysitting, strategic planning and a date (yes, I said a D-A-T-E)!
But for now, enjoy five facts about me!
1. Groceries are high right now what is easiest way you have found to cut back?
I'm pretty sure that between Weight Watchering and maintaining my Celiac Disease, groceries is one thing I will never be able to cut back on. I tend to stay away from the foods that have been altered to be GF (bread, pasta) and only eat things that are naturally gluten free (fruits, meats, veggies), but still living that lifestyle is much more expensive than when I was eating whatever I want. However, its completely worth it to feel good.
2. What are the top 3 things on your "bucket list"?
I've never taken the time to write my bucket list down...well, maybe I have but have sense lost it, but its probably something I need to do again. I'd say that the three things I'd most like to do right now are: buy a condo, get a doggie, and reach my goal weight.
3. Would you rather give up AC or heat?
After spending three summers in a house that was not equipped with central air, I would definitely say I would rather give up heat. I spent too many sleepless nights sweating and practically laying on top of the fan to ever do that again.
4. What's your favorite cocktail??
My favorite cocktail of the moment is Bacardi Limon and Diet because it's the healthiest in terms of points. However, not too many bars have that liquor in stock, so I often settle for regular Bacardi and diet...not even close to as yummy.
5. What was your first job & how old were you?
My first job was working in my family's flower shop when I was 15. I didn't get paid, per say, but in exchange for my work, my parents purchased the feed for my fair projects. My first real-life paying job was at Field's Pharmacy working the front counter and stocking shelves my first summer after college. Plus I got to spend every day with my high school bestie and yet-to-be adulthood bestie.
But for now, enjoy five facts about me!
I'm pretty sure that between Weight Watchering and maintaining my Celiac Disease, groceries is one thing I will never be able to cut back on. I tend to stay away from the foods that have been altered to be GF (bread, pasta) and only eat things that are naturally gluten free (fruits, meats, veggies), but still living that lifestyle is much more expensive than when I was eating whatever I want. However, its completely worth it to feel good.
2. What are the top 3 things on your "bucket list"?
I've never taken the time to write my bucket list down...well, maybe I have but have sense lost it, but its probably something I need to do again. I'd say that the three things I'd most like to do right now are: buy a condo, get a doggie, and reach my goal weight.
3. Would you rather give up AC or heat?
After spending three summers in a house that was not equipped with central air, I would definitely say I would rather give up heat. I spent too many sleepless nights sweating and practically laying on top of the fan to ever do that again.
4. What's your favorite cocktail??
My favorite cocktail of the moment is Bacardi Limon and Diet because it's the healthiest in terms of points. However, not too many bars have that liquor in stock, so I often settle for regular Bacardi and diet...not even close to as yummy.
5. What was your first job & how old were you?
My first job was working in my family's flower shop when I was 15. I didn't get paid, per say, but in exchange for my work, my parents purchased the feed for my fair projects. My first real-life paying job was at Field's Pharmacy working the front counter and stocking shelves my first summer after college. Plus I got to spend every day with my high school bestie and yet-to-be adulthood bestie.
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